Monday, December 31, 2007

new year's eve

...we'll be ringing it in with a little magic milk ...

...and some words of Love from a dear soul...


"May this year
and the coming year
bring emancipation
from all sorrows,
and may thou live
in peace and happiness
forever." ~ Nath

Gulam Rue Zamin (Servant of the Earth)
"The First Rays of Dawn" December 31st, p.209
Published by Priya Nath Metha; 1973

Saturday, December 29, 2007

remember you're dreaming


the video pasted in below is a note for shuggie in the future.

it's dedicated to my mom's side of the family. after years apart, we met up over the holidays. it was awesome.

we all talked about how much we miss the lake house that's featured in the video. it's where we used to spend a lot of time together. my grandaddy built it by hand, along with the stairway and the dock. when he died we scattered his ashes off that dock.

we couldn't afford to keep the house, so we sold it. we took the pictures of it when we visited recently for the first time in many years. as soon as i saw the house i burst into tears.

i want to send special thanks and love to grandaddy and grandma. we miss you guys. we'll see you in our dreams...

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

christmas moon



we hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

a prayer for friends

Heavenly Father, thank you for helping my friends find the spiritual home you have prepared for them. thank you for helping them know which way to turn, and if, when, and where to move. thanks for reminding us that you will speak to us through our hearts, and convict us of our best course of action. thank you for guiding us one day at a time, one step at a time, and taking on all of our worries, cares, and concerns of earthly things. thank you for your great sacrifice of the Christ Jesus that we are preparing to celebrate. now that we have a child we understand how great a sacrifice it truly is. thank you for Loving us THAT MUCH. we owe you a huge debt of Love. we are grateful you've made it possible for us to give Love to one another in so many ways. thank you for helping us forgive everyone that hurt us, and for helping us forgive ourselves when we hurt other people. thank you for helping us be a beacon of your Light and Love wherever we go. thank you for the Joy of the Holy Spirit. thank you for helping us feel that Joy, regardless of our uncertainty of the future or our difficult circumstances. we trust you completely, and are so very grateful for you. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH. thank you for working wonders and miracles in the days and weeks to come. thank you for aligning our thoughts with yours, and our vision with your vision. you wow us with your mighty power every day, and we don't have the words to express our gratitude. thank you for hearing my prayer today. may this prayer increase in strength and power each time it's read. in Jesus' precious name, Amen.

picture credit: this lovely stained glass creation was not made by me, but i am sadly unable to give proper credit as it's just a picture i ran across one day and loved. if anyone knows please leave me a comment here.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

makes me smile...


come, cuddle your head on my shoulder, dear,
your head like the golden-rod,
and we will go sailing away from here
to the beautiful land of nod

~ ella wheeler wilcox (1850-1919)

Saturday, December 15, 2007

a fond farewell


i learned a couple weeks ago that my contract at school would not be renewed. they're getting rid of a bunch of adjuncts, and i've been there the least amount of time, so i'm pretty much out. it's no big surprise. adjunct work is temporary by nature. and it's good in many ways. i'm ready for a change.

i wrote a farewell note to my students on a course blog i created. i wanted them to know that they have touched my heart and changed my life for the better. i also wrote a list of some things i've learned since i've been there. i thought it would be nice to post it here for posterity...


- i love making people laugh, especially groggy eyed students in the morning

-i made some good friends that i love and trust

-people sometimes get confused between studying war and studying peace

- the faculty and the administration could work together better

-the town and the university could work together better

-some of us hold back our creative energies because we're scared

-there are many challenging professors and not as many caring ones

-it is extremely stressful not to be able to find parking before having to do any kind of public speaking

-it's very challenging to be a substitute teacher for any length of time

-it's tough to teach while people in class whisper to each other, and it takes effort and strength to stop it

-this job didn't pay nearly enough

-some of us could believe in our students more than we do

-there is racial tension that could use some attention

-i find topics like prejudice and racism very hard to teach, and have come home to shed tears over it many times

-there are many students and faculty who could use some love

-when people have problems they are afraid to seek help through formal channels

-lots of people trust me with their secrets

-i've gotten pretty good at public speaking

-i'm not very good at grading people (too many A's)

-i am good at telling stories

-i truly care about my students and my colleagues, and many of them seem to notice and appreciate it

-i have truly enjoyed teaching

-i love improv comedy, like asking people to write questions and then answering them on the spot

-sometimes when i'd tell a joke i'd hear crickets, but i always kept trying

-my husband is awesome - he always helped me when i needed it

-i needed a lot of help

-we all need help sometimes

-i have a big stack of anonymous mental health questions from the beginning of this semester that i intend to answer and put on a blog for everyone to see

-most students are challenged by and worried about the same kinds of things

-there's always at least one person in class that doesn't dig me or my teaching style

- i was always early for work

- even on the days i dreaded teaching, it went ok

-even though i had a whole bunch of students, i learned many of their names

- it feels good to call people by name

-i love making videos and sharing them with people

-a bunch of people at school seemed to enjoy our videos

-i'd rather stay at home with my girl when it snows then brave the roads

-i really miss my little girl when i work a lot

-i miss my mom too

-it was surreal coming to work after the incident at tech. i was glad i did, but i'm not sure i'm completely over it. i look around and pay attention more than i used to.

- i am much less self conscious about my appearance than i used to be (which makes public speaking much easier!)

-i enjoyed the identity of "college instructor", and am not sure what to call myself now

-i said a prayer for all of my students during my last minute in the classroom

-i cried on the way home that day

-i'm getting choked up typing this

-i'm not sure what's coming around the corner

-i have faith it will be something great.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

she is the dreamer

she's imagination
(she had heaven)
through the light projected
he can see himself up close

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

would you love me anyway?

sometimes we play the "would you love me anyway" game.... it's a silly sort of game that consists of questions like ...

if you had to carry me around in a backpack all day, would you love me anyway? if my lips got blown off in a plane crash, would you love me anyway? if i suddenly turned into a squirrel, would you love me anyway?

(that last one came from a student of mine... turns out he'd be a talking squirrel, which makes a huge difference in the "would you stay with me anyway" version of the game.)

of course, this game usually arises from silliness and a touch of insecurity, but it challenges the importance of our appearance (the look of our "meat suit," as we say). it asks about a deeper kind of love. it also asks questions about beauty: what is it? how important is it? what does it look like? what does it feel like? where does it come from?

with this in mind, and in the silliest of moods, i took a potato and drew a face on it, pretended it was me, and asked "would you love me anyway?"




(i invite anyone who writes or makes videos or whatnot to send me some of your own "would you love me anyway" stories. i'd love to see what you come up with.)

the idea of beauty always reminds me of a young woman i saw on oprah once. she was what anyone would consider physically gorgeous, until her entire body was badly burned when a drunk driver hit her car. her little face looked like it had almost melted away, like the way one of those really fancy detailed candles look after they've been used a few times. there was something permanently damaged about her eyes, though now i can't recall all the specifics. she had lots of health problems as a result of the accident, as you can imagine. honestly, she almost didn't look like a person anymore. it was so so so sad.

if i were burned from head to toe in a terrible accident, would you love me anyway?

i can't seem to locate a picture or any info from that show at the moment... (if anyone has info on this please pass it along) but i do remember that she wore a big sweet looking hat. i remember being horrified at what happened to her, naturally, and thinking, wow, she was so beautiful. that's so sad! what an awful awful thing....

then she spoke. and giggled. and giggled some more. and smiled an electric smile.

everyone in the audience that day was deeply affected by this young woman. she talked about the ups and downs. her story made us weepy. but with a joke and a chuckle, she made us laugh and feel good again. by the end of the show we all boo-hoo'd while she embraced the person that made the terrible choice to get behind the wheel that night.

that person (the "drunk driver") ... my heart goes out to them as well. it must be a tremendously hard thing to live with, much less to talk about openly. for some reason i can't even remember if that person was a he or she. there's just a blank spot in my memory there. (maybe that's a blessing.... maybe it's a good thing to let people start over again. let it be a mystery...)

even though much of the details elude me now, i will always remember the feeling i got when i saw that young woman hug the person who did this horrible thing to her. i remember thinking, now THAT is beautiful. SHE is beautiful. now i get it.

if i had a few drinks and hit your car on the way home, causing you to be burned from head to toe, would you love me anyway?

... oh my.....


picture credit: michael osborne, designer of the 2002 Love stamps
you can read more about the love stamps here:
http://www.usps.com/news/2002/philatelic/sr02_055.htm

Friday, November 30, 2007

long winter's nap

“It is good to realize that if love and peace can prevail on earth, and if we can teach our children to honour nature's gifts, the joys and beauties of the outdoors will be here forever.” - jimmy carter

Sunday, November 25, 2007

hugs & love

here's a video we just finished last night. it's got lots of hugs and lots of love it in. it's a bit of a tearjerker actually...

Friday, November 23, 2007

thanksgiving

here is a video we just finished called "big, brown, and beautiful."

Monday, November 19, 2007

things i can't photograph

a lovely woman named kim posted this picture on the comments section of my myspace page. i was immediately inspired to write about it...







yes
these are things
that mostly
i can't photograph

but it's all right
because
my broken heart
has healed

it breaks again
almost every day
over some thing
or other
and then heals again
completely

my love for some one
any one
every one
endures
because
love is eternal

my anger toward my mother
subsides
because i
forgive her
and
my
self

my tangled emotions
are captured in
poems that flow through me

the laughter
of my sister
is recorded
for posterity
and
a rainy day

my grandfather's
last breath
isn't as important
to me
as that last talk we had
before he left
or what he said
when he called me
in a dream
that time
my soul
lives and breathes
in every thing i create

including
my photographs

as for the sunshine....
it does feel good

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

inside-out

(this poem is a response to a beautiful and thought provoking quote from Martha Graham that I just read on rblog )

it's true
there's a pain
that the artist
feels

sometimes
it's like the pain
of childbirth

or a kidney stone
or some other
creation inside
wanting
out

on easier days
it's like a splinter
in your finger
or a knot
in a favorite necklace
with which
you struggle


only struggling
is not actually
a requirement
of the job

True Peace
is God's Peace

it is real

it comes
from the inside-out

and it's available
to everyone

including artists

even during childbirth


so please
don't believe
that fear
hatred
pride
confusion
dissatisfaction
unrest
disbelief
illness
and struggle
are part of your calling

we don't need
any of those things
to create miracles
move mountians
change lives
with artwork
poems
paintings
songs
and such

we just need God.



Photo: An artist's impression of Supernova 1986. The newly discovered nebula around the black hole or neutron star in the center is shown in blue,and is in the center of the expanding, fragmented shell of material thrown off in the supernova explosion, which is shown in red. CREDIT: Norbert Bartel and Michael F. Bietenholz,York University; Artist: G. Arguner

Thursday, November 01, 2007

rock paper scissors

there's a creature in my heart
and it's name is Love

there's a creature in my mind
and it's name is fear

i invite Love
into my mind
and it's
Immediately
Victorious

like paper
conquers rock
conquers scissors

conquers paper

only nothing
conquers Love

Love Lives Forever
because
Love Conquers All

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Thursday, October 25, 2007

e pluribus unum

the other day i was teaching my "lifespan development" class about encoding. (encoding is our ability to make a mental representation of something. in other words, to see something in your mind). i wanted to illustrate the idea that the encoding process is usually not crystal clear for any of us, so i drew two circles on the board and had them tell me what was on the penny.

this is always a pretty fun exercise. i make lincoln look like a goof, and they usually get big chunks of it wrong, which is enlightening for them. when we got to the stage where we examined a real penny to see how (in)accurate we were, i read the phrase "e pluribus unum".

i asked them what it meant and they stared at me like deer in headlights. i waited. finally one guy in the front row said "the many are one?"

"yes, the many unite into one." then i said "what's the phrase? united we stand..."

"...divided we fall!" they all chimed in, in unison. they sounded very excited to know the answer this time, despite the inherently sad nature of it.

"are we united or divided?" i asked.

"divided!" they said, without hesitation, like an ocean wave washing over me.

divided. it's so obvious.

"what does that mean for us?" i wondered.

silence.

"it's not looking good, i guess." they shook their heads. nope. not looking good.

what does this mean i wonder? are we falling? can we stop it?

a dear man in india saw one of our videos and later sent us a book that his father wrote. it's a book of daily devotionals. here is the reading for today:

October 25
"Khuda" (God) is an Urdu word. When it is written, a dot is placed above. If the dot be placed below, then the word does not change much, but changes entirely in meaning. It becomes "Juda" i.e. separate.

"Khuda" is the word in which resides the Greatness of God and which manifests itself in all, containing in itself the Universe, and containing itself in itself. "Khuda" is He who is in Union with Himself. "Juda" is a word that signifies separation from everything, even from itself, for it is separation.

A single dot when placed differently can create such a wide difference. A change in the angle of vision creates a complete change in meaning.

Thou who hast with thee the Perfect, place not the dot at the bottom!

But place the dot of "Juda" on top and let it become "Khuda"!

Why go from love to hate?

Go towards love and union from hate and separation.

By Nath
Gulam Rue Zamin (Servant of the Earth)

excerpt from the book: "The First Rays of Dawn"
Published by Priya Nath Metha; 1973

Thanks Priya for passing this beautiful book along to us.

(cue song: people get ready... )


picture of the penny borrowed from this page; picture of the train that transported lincoln's body from washington to springfield borrowed from this page

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

love is good



love sits in the center, balanced perfectly between justice and mercy.

i want to be love. nothing else matters.

Monday, October 22, 2007

another day ...






















to be
with you, and i am grateful.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

colour my world

my husband made me a very sweet mix for our 5th anniversary this summer. he called it "magnet and steel." he put a classic song by chicago on it.

as time goes by
i realize
just what you mean
to me...

colour my world
with hope
of loving you.

so sweet. and this picture he took... incredible. such healing beauty in the midst of a challenging week.

my husband is awesome.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

sweet-weepy-pete

(warning: graphic images below)

to start class today i said "everyone please stand up." they promptly did so. then i asked them why they were standing. they (of course) responded "because you told us to." then i announced the topic for the day: CONFORMITY. after they took their seats i showed them horrifying pictures and told stories about the holocaust. and my lai. and jonestown.






i got choked up when i started talking about jonestown. i said "they killed the babies and children first." i could feel the end of the sentence get caught in my throat. my eyes instantly welled up. i thought "holy crap! i might start crying!" it's true that i can be a bit of a sweet-weepy-pete on occasion, but i've never cried in front of a class. so i stopped and took a breath. then i stood there silently while they looked at the image that was projected on a large screen ...



(it was the little baby wedged in there that got to me the most)

i knew when i prepared this lecture last night that the loving thing to do would be to send a clear message about what happens when we blindly follow authority. it happens to regular people. not madmen. or trolls. or psycho-killers. regular people will hurt, maim, and destroy others and even themselves when placed under extreme social pressure. i felt a duty to teach, and a duty to warn. so i did.

but man... those images do linger.... no wonder i have a headache.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

beautiful changes

"Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower."
-Albert Camus

Thursday, October 11, 2007

piece of cake

yesterday when i started to toil over what to do about the situation in my class i heard in my heart "prepare, but don't worry. everything will be fine. it's a piece of cake." wow. it's a piece of cake. "don't ruin your day by being nervous about it. just relax."

i succeeded in not complaining about it too much. ken cooked me some dinner and pampered me. that really helped. i read from my favorite devotionals. that relaxed me. then had a nice chat with my brother about it. he had a calming effect on me.

despite some occasional melodramatics, i have to say i managed pretty well. even up to the point just before class when i met with my boss and explained to her what was going on. i felt like i needed to plant a seed just in case... in case what? well who knows. i won't speculate.

so i got to class a few minutes early and put on some calm music. when class started, i joked about the chilly weather. it's the first day we've felt it. it's been suspiciously warm around here for october. anyway, i told them how shuggie was chilly last night so she climbed into bed and wrapped herself around my neck, practically strangling me. when i told her to move over she said in the sweetest little voice "i love you." of course then i let her keep strangling me for a few more minutes. even in the middle of the night that little voice melts my heart.

when i finished that story they all said "awww!" i knew it softened the ground a bit. then i handed out a slightly aged but credible article from the united nations website on the problem in ghana. i told them they were responsible for reading it, and that i would be putting a question on the exam about it. then i addressed the giggling.

i felt a bit of a whirlwind inside, but i somehow managed to cover lots of ground, succinctly and coherently. (white privilege... prejudice... ignorance... ) it all just flowed right out. none of them had taken a diversity class before. but they came up with a half dozen reasons why people laugh at other people's suffering. (to be cool. because they're afraid. immature. irresponsible. ignorant.) i added sadistic to their list. (some people just are, sadly).

then i shifted gears and covered jean piaget. it was a vibrant and colorful lecture, with props and everything. a little more than halfway through class we got sidetracked somehow on exotic pets. actually i let us get sidetracked. i wanted us to have a little fun. so we swapped stories of pet raccoons and chinchillas and flying squirrels and baby deer. i told my hermit crab story.* i imitated a mad goose. we all laughed.

then i wrangled us back in and finished up the notes. after class the gal who was mad a me on tuesday came up with her friend and thanked me. "we really appreciate what you did. you didn't have to do that."


"yes i did," i replied. " when i see an opportunity like that i have to take it. i feel a moral obligation."

it's true. i do. and i did. and now i'm ready to play.


thank you Lord.

*(i had a hermit crab named hamlet. he ran away. i found him shell-less on the downstairs bathroom floor 5 years later. it was incredible that he survived. i grabbed him and put him up in a makeshift home, but he died the next day. i should have just let him be i guess. maybe captivity was more than he could bear).

picture of the 100 layer cake borrowed from: http://www.afamilyfare.com/bridal.htm

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

we're all equal in heaven

there's a lot of racial tension at school. i'm not sure when anyone's going to address it. if we don't address it, it will eventually address us.

white privilege = when you're white you don't have to think too much about skin color. it's not always on your mind.

the truth is that lighter skinned people have more power in the world. still. that's the reality.

(unlike in heaven where we are all equal)

when we don't recognize our power, we hurt people by accident.

some of my students told me that there was laughter within groups of people that went to see the campus presentation called the "tunnel of oppression". there were horrific images in that presentation. images of abuse and starvation and horrible disease. sickening images. to me it's more sickening that people would laugh at them.

do they laugh because they're afraid? or maybe ignorant? obnoxious? cruel? cold hearted? ...?

i've been a substitute instructor for a week now in two classes. i'm covering for a woman who is on maternity leave. the morning class is a breeze, but the afternoon one is really pretty rowdy and challenging to manage. there are 72 students in it, and it's a pretty small room considering it's seating capacity.

it baffled me yesterday when a few of the students in the afternoon class giggled away while i was talking about little kid slaves in africa. (in ghana specifically. they're are sold to fisherman by their parents. they have to get up before dawn every day to cast nets into murky water, and then endanger their lives retrieving the nets when they get caught on debris. it's very very sad.)

these giggling students (white students incidently) just giggled away. i had no idea what they were laughing about. they carried on so much that i thought maybe my fly was down. i nervously giggled along with them for a minute. "what? what's so funny?" it didn't occur to me that anyone would find the little kid slave story humorous. but then i realized that they were indeed laughing about that, and i said "this is serious! it's not funny! what's funny about that?" no answer, just more semi-stifled giggling. "is it just the extreme nature of it, or what?" still nothing. "really, seriously, it's a HORRIBLE thing." i felt the tension mounting. i felt claustrophobic. i didn't trust my hormonal self. i felt ill... quakey... i promptly moved on.

an african american student came up after class to tell me that she was very disappointed that i was laughing about it with them. i did my best to defend myself. i was as flabbergasted about it as anyone, and even more so that she thought i thought it was funny. i finally said, with my voice giving way to tears, "i'm doing the best i can here." she made a b-line for the door at that point, (thank God) at which time i sank behind the computer station and cried for a few seconds. then i pulled myself together and called ken. (we only have one car so he has to pick me up). i was so incredibly relieved to learn that he was just outside the door. (thank God again)

i climbed in the back seat next to the shuggie and started telling the story. ken drove us home while i cried and carried on about it. shuggie held my hand and said "mommy's very sad. mommy's crying. don't cry mommy. it's ok. i'm here mommy." that was so sweet that it made me cry more. when we got home, i had a nice long cry. ken rubbed my shoulders and shug rubbed my arm. such loving support.

now i'm trying to decide what to do and say on thursday.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

sempiternus amor




it's been a busy week. sometimes when i'm all worn out, i like to sit in my office and stare at pictures of the people i love. these are two of my very favorite people. i could get lost in their smiling faces forever.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

little horsey

i'm not sure if i've spelled it out before, but i teach psychology at a nearby university. this semester has been a strange one, as i've only had one class so far. that's left me with a good amount of time for creative works.
starting tomorrow i'll be taking over two sections of another class, and adding another 114 students to my grade book. the professor of those classes is ready to have her baby. (it's a girl. she'll be arriving any minute...)

i have 51 students in my other class, so this brings me to a total of 165. that's a lot of names to remember. not that i'm under any obligation to remember them all. it's just much nicer and warmer when i can call at least some of them by name.

speaking of names...

my little girl (2 1/2 years old) has recently been insisting that we call her "little horsey." she'll gently correct us if we use any other name. "could you put your brush away, sweetie?" i'd say. "could you put your brush away, little horsey?" she'd correct me. she's already a kind and gentle teacher.

she's now adding "horsey" to the name of people that mean something to her. uncle byron horsey brings her candy. mommy horsey takes her for a walk. daddy horsey reads her a story. grammy horsey fixes her a snack.

the other day something startled her. she jumped into my arms saying "little horsey's scared!" i said "don't worry little horsey. you'll be all right. do you know who's gonna protect you?"

"grammy horsey?" she offered.

"well, yes, grammy horsey will protect you, but i was thinking more along the lines of God," i said.

"grammy horsey and God horsey will protect you," she declared.

"that's right, honey," i said, giggling.

"that's right, little horsey."

"oh, of course. sorry."

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Thursday, September 27, 2007

the bird show


last night my little girl and i laid on our backs in one of those long lawn chairs and watched hoards of blackbirds criss cross above. our yard has super-tall trees that encircle the sky with a deep green ring of branches. kind of like a big christmas wreath with a twilight neon bowl shaped sky filling up the center. we were like the big bow at the bottom of the wreath, our arms and legs overlapping on the lawn chair.

the birds made a really loud raucous. loud enough to have to raise our voices a little to hear one another. the frenzied chirping must be a part of their ritual. they must be saying something with all that. or maybe they're just creating a buzz for themselves.

i've always been really sensitive to noise. i feel it in my skin - the vibration. if it's really loud it penetrates my spinal column. the bird frenzy was an interesting tickling sensation in the lower third of my spine. i can see how it would be a nuisance to someone trying to do something serious out here. like sleep or something. kind of like a lawn mower. but tonight we delighted in their rambunctious chirping. we giggled and said "here they come!" and joined them in their excitement.

they swooped down into the twilight bowl and then back up to perch in the highest points of the evergreens. then all of a sudden - silence. no more chirping. totally silent. still silent. and still. still. still. it was unbelievable. we held our breath waiting.

then just as suddenly and loudly, they resumed their resonant chirping. they did a few more orchestrated laps, and kept tweeting and twittering up to the tippy tops of the trees. i'd fix my eye on one and watch the branch bob underneath his little toes. "see him up there? he's got to hold on tight!" i'd say. "hold on tight!" she'd echo.

then silence again, kicked off this time by a robust maestro tweet. then, still totally silent, two groups flying opposite ways swooped in really low, circled around the bowl, criss crossed, and disappeared into the trees. we were a little stunned at that point.


it was very much like the grand finale of a fireworks show, only this one built up to a totally quiet climax. totally quiet except for their wings, which reminded me of that sound you make when you shake out a pillow case. only instead of one big pillow case, it was like 300 teeny ones, all flapping at once. it was something.

this bird show will be part of our regular routine for however long it runs. we'll add it to the already popular after dark "check the crickets" routine. that's where we say hello to the crickets, and to venus, and sometimes to the moon.

"mommy wants to check the crickets," she says in her sweet little voice.

yes, mommy does.

cue: "blackbird" by the beatles
"you were only waiting for this moment to arise...."

remedy

i've had a hard morning. i've got bills to pay and a dentist appointment at 2. i'll be fitted for another crown. this will make three total so far. the upside is that i do not need a root canal. they thought i might for a minute. i'm grateful to be spared that trauma. but i need this crown soon or it'll turn into a much worse problem. so i'm going today. i don't feel like it. but i'll do it anyway.

i was teary earlier about that, plus loads of other annoying expensive things, so i prayed about it. "what should i do Lord?" there's an scraggley little voice in me that harasses me sometimes: "what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do?" it's like one of those dark little myna birds on my shoulder.

speaking of birds.....i have a bird story to write about...


(what am i going to do? i'll be grateful, pray, listen, relax, write.... for me, writing is a remedy for many ailments. that, and patience. remember - be patient. be patient. be patient. patience will solve this problem. that's my mantra today.)

Saturday, September 22, 2007

play after every storm

that's what mattie stepanek said. he was a wise little kid.

that might be one of the few places we get true wisdom... from little kids.

we also get it from inside the heart. but sometimes it's hard to hear way in there. it's just a whisper through a wall in a loud loud world.

i've learned how to retreat from the noise. and since this little angel has arrived in my life, my walls have become pretty thin. but still, sometimes i pray for the whisper to be a shout.

and sometimes it is.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

the verdict

i got to court painfully early, but was actually relieved to be away from my little girl. she was the valve for our stress today. we all did our best. but there was no shortage of snot and tears and screaming. so i fled the scene as soon as i could.

the courthouse was fairly empty. i had to remove my belt for the metal detector and then tried to make small talk with the deputies while i put it back on. it's a very strange feeling to put a belt on in public, with people watching you.

i went into the courtroom while they were hearing other cases, and sat in the front row. the first case i saw was a hearing against a heavyset elderly black lady walking with a cane. she was all dressed up in a flowy flowery skirt and red lipstick. the attorney for the plantiff talked down to her like she didn't know english. then he said he'd meet with her outside to talk about the case against her. she made her way back out, looking confused.

then the judge, serious and stern up until that point, called someone by the wrong name and then burst into a sweet little giggle. it was nice. it made me smile. he was pretty cute for a judge. i think i might have accidently developed a little crush on him by the time i had to go up there, which made me more nervous than i was already. thankfully i'd developed a fantastically strong ability to mask my emotions in adolescence. that's one good thing that came from all that bullying. the trick is knowing when to use it, and when to be real. today wasn't so much a day to be real. honest, yes. but cool as a cucumber. like those japanese warriors. never flinch.

"calvary investments v. amy"... uh oh, here we go...

i stood up really straight, as if there were a string attached to the tippy top of my head, holding me there. i walked up to the podium, feeling eyes on me. then i waited. the judge swore me in, though there was no bible or anything like that around. "do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" just like the movies. i kept my eyes fixed on his and quietly said "yes."

yes, i will tell the truth. telling the truth is the only way.

but remember - only answer the questions - don't offer details unless the judge asks for them... (such good advice from my loved ones)

the plantiff called me as their only witness, asked me a couple of questions, and insinuated that i fabricated the identity theft as a defense. he glared at me above his bifocals like i was a lying fraud. probably because he usually surrounds himself with liars. i forgive him for it. plus, i had my file there to prove it if i had to. but i didn't. i just looked him in the eye and smiled and quietly answered his questions "yes" and "no" and no more.

when it was my turn to talk i told the judge i had pretty much spelled out my position in my defense paper: i would be happy to pay it if the debt is mine, but since i had some fraudulant information on my account, and since they won't give me anything more than an account number, i still can't tell if the debt is mine or not, and therefore refuse to pay.

then the opposing council asked for an "unsuit"... i think... now the term escapes me but it's something to that effect. the judge explained that calvary wants to drop it for now, but still be able to bring a suit against me later.

then he shook his head and said to the attorney, "questionable practices here. there's really nothing here for her to go on. this isn't much of a bill of particulars." he looked a little disgusted with them, which made me think he was even cuter. then he paused, ruled against the motion for the "unsuit" and then said, "in fairness, this case is dismissed."

i had been rehearsing that moment and the feeling that went with it for days on end. i was so relieved to hear that. "do you understand?" he asked me. i did, pretty much, but i wanted to hear it again. "well, it means that they can't sue you again over this, and that because they didn't make their case, in fairness to you, i have decided to dismiss it. that means it can't come back up again."

"in this form," the attorney piped in, all grouchy like. i didn't bother asking them to explain that part, but from the sound of it, they might try to appeal it in some way.

i thanked the judge as earnestly as i knew how. i secretly wanted to give him a hug. then i strode out of the courtroom, and saw the flowery dressed elderly lady outside waiting for the attorney that just went against me. i told her that i was victorious, and that i didn't have anyone here with me to tell, so i hoped she didn't mind that i tell her. she congratulated me and smiled through her red lipstick.

i could feel her anxiety, so i sat down with her and listened to her talk about confusion over a mystery debt from wal-mart. then i warned her about the silver-tongued attorney. i reminded her that he's not on her side. then i laid my hand on her shoulder and blessed her. her whole face lit up like one of those hallogen lamps. "you a cute thing!" she said loudly, with a big laugh. "i'm glad you won!"

yeah, me too.

Lord, thank you for the victory today. thank you for keeping your hand on that sweet lady i met, and for helping her through this hard time. thank you for helping me forgive that lawyer for treating me like a liar, and those collectors for making my life a little more stressful. bless them and keep them close to you so that they may see a better way to live. in Jesus' name, Amen.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

on trial

tomorrow i'll be on trial for a debt that i'm not sure i owe.

i've had my identity stolen by someone in brooklyn who charges up bills in my name and then leaves me hounded by a ringing phone and rude collectors for weeks on end. we have to keep the ringers off all the time now.

i asked the collectors who are suing me to give me the details of the debt to make sure it's mine. in response they sent me a print out of a computer screen from their office with an account number and my name and a big figure. well, not big to most people. but big to me.

i've learned a lot about money. i learned that credit cards are nightmares that pose as beautiful dreams. i learned that you don't need as much money as you think you do. i've learned that some people measure you by money. those aren't people i enjoy being around all that much. they're the same kinds of people that talk about your shoes when you leave the room.

i've learned that a few people in my life have shown themselves to be unexpectedly enormously generous, and have come through for me in some real times of need. there've been plenty of opportunities to help, too. i've been embarrassingly needy at times.

i've learned that i've always had a scarcity consciousness... afraid that i won't have enough. i'm learning how to shift my thinking about that.

i also used to equate poverty with some sort of spiritual prowess. like if you're a spiritual person then you don't care about material things. but then i realized that it's impossible to help other people in this world in the ways that so many of them need help if you have nothing material to give them. it's silly when i think about it that way.

plus, the real truth is that i do very much care about material things. i love my comfy bed and soft sheets and running water and full refrigerator and big bath tub and favorite jeans and favorite fork and favorite music and favorite everything... my camel is anything but barebacked and bony. she'd get stuck in the needle for sure.

i'm listening to neil young today. i'm not sure why. i think i'm nervous about tomorrow's trial. it started with "cowgirl in the sand" and now i'm hearing "ohio." i tend to write a little grittier when i hear stuff like this. music is so amazing.

so this trial... really small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. but still. i'm nervous. i can't help it. it's nice to have a minute alone to write about it.


i know you're with me, God. thank you for seeing me through.

now for a little bob marley... (see ya, neil. thanks.)

"thank you Lord for what you've done for me... thank you Lord for what you're doing now... thank you Lord for every little thing... thank you Lord for you make me sing..."

Saturday, September 15, 2007

love is all that matters

seriously.

an old friend wrote me the other day about a book he's writing. it's a third edition of a software manual. the first edition was written when we were a couple. i spent many many hours alone while he toiled away on that thing. he dedicated it to me, which was lovely, but by the time i got my official copy, i'd broken up with him. i didn't want to live my life alone, waiting for someone to finish their masterpiece.

this friend (whom i still love dearly) is now dating someone new, and is faced with the same kind of problems that we had. he claims that this third edition is his "best work yet." i haven't brought myself to tell him that love is all that matters. NOTHING else matters. everything else will fade away, rot, melt, disappear, or just cease to exist. but love is eternal.

another thing i've learned that seems worth sharing is that we will never be left without a source of love. it's the ego that wants love from some specific being at a specific time. we get all wrapped in knots of we don't get it from that one person... but if we look around, we can see that love has been there all along.

Friday, September 14, 2007

bĂȘte noire

in a last ditch effort to ruin my day, the devil sent a long legged spider my way...

it scurried across my face just when i was all relaxed and snuggled in bed. i went "AAAAH!" and swatted it from my cheek to the comforter. then ken grabbed it by one of it's legs, tore into the bathroom like his pants were on fire, and hurled it into the toilet. we laughed and shuddered and had the creepy crawlies for a minute or so. we said things like "can you believe that?! holy crap!!!" and then we felt kind of bad for killing it. it turned out to be just a daddy long legs, which are quite lovely, harmless creatures.* too bad it snuck up on me in the dark. anyway, aside from a few intrusive memories and itchy moments here and there, we were back to snuggling in no time.

i didn't used to personify the darkness, though i have been curious about the notion ever since i saw robert deniro star as the devil in the film "angel heart." i'll never forget the part where he peeled a hard boiled egg with those really nasty fingernails. i wonder what it does to a person to play a character like that.

one quote about the devil that always stuck with me is, "the greatest trick of the devil is to persuade you that he does not exist." my brother told me it was charles baudelaire who said that. i haven't read much french poetry to be honest.

anyway, after i wrote that little spider story i looked up "devil" at dictionary.com and learned some very interesting things.
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/devil
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/devil

the last thing i read gave me chills...

"Talk of the Devil, and he's presently at your elbow" [1666]

picture "alice's devil" borrowed from tips to no devil : http://uk.geocities.com/willhelston/tips.html

*one of my students just told me that daddy long legs are actually the most venomous and fierce spiders of all, but that their fangs can only penetrate human skin between our toes and fingers. and if they bite you, you could die! yikes! ... from the research i've done online, it seems that may just be a legend stemming from the fact that daddy longlegs can kill a black widow.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

now i'm free


rest in peace, sweet hearts. we'll see you again someday.

thanks for a gorgeous shot, unknown artist. (image found here)

Sunday, September 09, 2007

cinderella














truth be told, i'm not all that crazy about disney movies anymore, but shuggie loves cinderella. you can imagine how she reacted when she saw a cinderella costume in a magazine the other day. so i ordered it for her. this pic pretty much sums up her feelings about the dress:


















she had us cracking up with her wacky expressions. here's a video we made to try and capture the moment...