Monday, January 29, 2007

Saturday, January 27, 2007

my next door neighbor died last night

his name was houston. just like the city.

he'd been sick. it wasn't a shock. although for some reason i thought i had plenty of time to go visit him. shows you what i know.

a preacher and a family friend came over to break the news to us this morning. we were in the sunny front room of our house. in most people's home that would be the room filled with fancy furniture that you shouldn't eat around, but in our house it's a big messy playroom. we'd just been learning how to make stubby strands of play-doh hair when we saw these two men approach the front door.

houston had surgery recently. we brought over some blueberry muffins and a homemade get well soon card a couple days after he got home. i made the muffins and the card, and ken delivered them. i felt like a goon when ken came home and told me houston is diabetic.


(i should've known that. did he tell me that before? he must have. i really should write that kind of stuff down).

ken apologized for bringing food over that he can't eat, and then sat and listened to details about his latest health ordeal. houston had been suffering since we met him, and it was only getting worse. but i thought i had time.

i thought about him every day but for whatever reason couldn't bring myself to go over there and give him a big hug. that's what i would do if i had to do it over again.

so now he's gone, and i wasn't sure what to do.

first, i cried. i couldn't help it. i thought about how scared he probably was when he started to go downhill again. and of course i felt for his wife. a big chunk of her life is gone.

i cried big crocodile tears. my baby noticed i was crying, came up, looked me in the eye, and in her precious little voice said,"mommy sad." that make me giggle, which is always a beautiful moment.... when sadness gives way to joy .... and out comes a big teary laugh.... that's the best.


as i wiped my tears, my baby started saying "saaaad" in a low funny voice. "saaaaaad!" that made me laugh even more.

then i saw houston in my minds eye... free of that broken down meat suit ... soaring across the sky... laughing out loud..... free.

free of pain.... free of fear.... free of dread.... free of agony.... free of suffering.

free.
free.
free.

home free.

good for you, houston.

so..... what now? i wasn't sure what the socially appropriate thing would be. we don't know them all that well. we're quite new to the neighborhood. we've never faced a situation like this before. etc. etc.

we batted around various options. then we agreed to do nothing. we didn't want to move forward until we'd heard from the Lord. so we handed it over to him and waited.

"ok, Lord, we don't know what to do. we trust that you do. so lead the way."


a few minutes went by.

ok.... call your mother.

of course.

i had just talked to her for an hour or so earlier this morning. i knew she was off to play golf and i almost talked myself out of trying to reach her, but i felt the press on my heart, and called anyway. of course she loved being able to help.

"honey, call wade's deli and order a platter of ham biscuits," she said. "everyone loves those and they're low maintenance." of course. it's virginia. southerners love ham biscuits.

truth be told, i love ham biscuits too. i love all kinds of pig products. the hard part to live with is that l love piggies too. they're just as smart as 3 year old kids. if one were here he'd become part of the family, not part of the dinner menu. but for whatever reason i just can't seem to get enough of that piggy stuff.

i even asked for a baby pig calendar for christmas with the thought that if i confronted myself with adorable images of them i would easily be able to decrease my intake. but i've tucked the calendar under some papers on my desk and proceeded to eat bacon bits, pepperoni, and the like.

in fact, i ate a sausage biscuit just this morning. i was starving after ordering those ham biscuits, so i asked ken to haul ass to hardee's before they stopped serving breakfast. he did. and we chowed down.

our platter will be ready in the morning. i'll pick up a bucket of chicken too. then we'll go by there and hug some people. hopefully i'll think of just the right thing to say.








goodbye, houston. we'll miss you.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Monday, January 22, 2007

zen story: dreaming

The great Taoist Master Chaung Tzu once had a dream that he was a butterfly. He fluttered about with no awareness of his individuality as a person. He was only a butterfly.

Suddenly he woke up and realized he was a person. He thought to himself,"Was I before a man who dreamt about being a butterfly, or am I now a butterfly who dreams about being a man?"



story borrowed with gratitude from: zen stories to tell your neighbors

image discovered with google images, and borrowed with gratitude from: ffxi.allakhazam.com/db/bestiary.html?fmob=4359

Sunday, January 14, 2007

i am not my meatsuit



how can i be sure? i can't.

there is no certainty. there's only faith.

first snow





Friday, January 12, 2007

america


YAHWEH

after the holidays i started to feel the stress of a new semester. new classes... new routine.... new challenges... so many unknowns....

i was feeling very anxious.

to manage this anxiety i started listening to sufjan stephen's "joy to the world" as often as possible. i loved it so much that i burned it onto a disk just by itself, which is like a horrific crime in my economically minded family. my husband for sure would think that was "very wasteful." but he saw how much i loved it so he made an exception. he's sweet like that.

i listened to it over and over and i loved it. but as soon as i ran into my brother i gave it away. i knew he would love it too. i missed it immediately, but i couldn't pull that one song on a cd thing again, so i decided to make a new mix. below are it's contents.

i've played it a million times to soothe and calm my nerves. it's worked.

"and wonders of his love.... " (thanks YAHWEH)

YAHWEH mix (Jan 1, 2007)
joy to the world (sufjan stephens)
television (robin hitchcock)
songbird (fleetwood mac)

blue skies (willie nelson)
beautiful boy (john lennon)

one of these things first (nick drake)
hearts and bones (paul simon)

babylon (david gray)
together (william shatner)
strange apparition (beck)
daughters (john mayer)
father and daughter (paul simon)
beautiful girl (INXS)
ride (g love)
yahweh (u2)
freedom flight (shuggie otis)


Sunday, January 07, 2007

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

the bath

my baby and i share a bathroom. we both love taking baths.


her toys tolerate me pretty well when it's my turn.




one of the frogs fell into the water today and startled me. it reminded me of why i don't like languishing about in a more natural setting, like a lake or a river. it's hard to relax with live critters all around you.

but these bathtub critters are all right. they usually stay put. and they politely look away while i lie there all vulnerable and naked. they are quite civilized, really.

most of them, that is.

Monday, January 01, 2007