Sunday, February 18, 2007

what's your first memory?

we're studying alfred adler in my personality class. on friday we discovered what adler would say about birth order. tomorrow we'll be looking into what our very first memory says about us....

my first memory goes back to when i about four and my parents tried to coax me into wearing contact lenses. the doctors thought it might slow my vision loss.

i remember feeling scared. i remember feeling pressured.

i remember feeling angry. and cornered. and scared.

(did i mention scared?)

i remember being bribed.

i remember saying no.

no, i will not put that thing in my eye.

no, i will not cooperate with you trying to put it in my eye either.

no, not even for that horse calender i told you i really loved.

no, not even when you make me feel silly. or stupid. or weak. or guilty.

so, i see... i do what i want to do. i say no. i dig in. i resist. i rebel.

adler would say that's my "style of life."

ironically i ended up wearing contact lenses so much after hitting puberty that i nearly killed my eyes. my glasses were so thick, i'd never be caught dead outside the house with them. (vanity hurts.)

i'm glad i'm free of that. not vanity... (who's totally free of vanity?) no, i'm glad i'm free of the fear of wearing glasses in public. i can see so much better with them.

it's nice to be free.

(thank you Lord.)

it's also nice to have pretty glasses.

(thank you mom.)

one day i'll be free of these glasses too. (they're not that pretty, and they're usually crooked and greasy from my little girl grabbing at them all the time.)

eventually i'll be free of these eyeballs all together. but that's a conversation about death.... for another time.

for now i'll be grateful i've got them, these eyeballs, even though they're not perfect.

(adler would say i've been striving to overcome "organ inferiority. " he's probably right.)

after the whole contact lens thing i ended up having to get tested for diabetes. the doctors thought my vision may be deteriorating because i was diabetic. it turns out i wasn't. that's a horrible test, incidentally. hours of syrup drinking and bloodletting.

no wonder i can't stand going to the doctor.

my parents never did get me a horse calender. not even for christmas or my birthday or anything. not even after that long day at the bloodletting office. they did give me a big stuffed dog though, which was sweet of them. i had that dog for a long time.

but i never had a horse calender. for some reason as an adult it didn't occur to me to buy one for myself. i'm not sure why. i just never had one. until i was about 8 months pregnant.

tons of stuff used to make me ill when i was pregnant, including, just about anything the least bit smelly, and, regrettably, "the daily show". so, i was ill over something like that, and my sweet husband, never having heard that contact lens story, brought home a care package for me with delicious low sugar snacks (ironically i had gestational diabetes), some videos, and ... you guessed it... a horse calendar.

i couldn't believe it. after 33 years, i had my horse calendar.

i cried of course. you would too i bet.

i didn't even know i still wanted one.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Sunday, February 11, 2007

snow day


here's shuggie's first walk in the snow: