on trial

tomorrow i'll be on trial for a debt that i'm not sure i owe.

i've had my identity stolen by someone in brooklyn who charges up bills in my name and then leaves me hounded by a ringing phone and rude collectors for weeks on end. we have to keep the ringers off all the time now.

i asked the collectors who are suing me to give me the details of the debt to make sure it's mine. in response they sent me a print out of a computer screen from their office with an account number and my name and a big figure. well, not big to most people. but big to me.

i've learned a lot about money. i learned that credit cards are nightmares that pose as beautiful dreams. i learned that you don't need as much money as you think you do. i've learned that some people measure you by money. those aren't people i enjoy being around all that much. they're the same kinds of people that talk about your shoes when you leave the room.

i've learned that a few people in my life have shown themselves to be unexpectedly enormously generous, and have come through for me in some real times of need. there've been plenty of opportunities to help, too. i've been embarrassingly needy at times.

i've learned that i've always had a scarcity consciousness... afraid that i won't have enough. i'm learning how to shift my thinking about that.

i also used to equate poverty with some sort of spiritual prowess. like if you're a spiritual person then you don't care about material things. but then i realized that it's impossible to help other people in this world in the ways that so many of them need help if you have nothing material to give them. it's silly when i think about it that way.

plus, the real truth is that i do very much care about material things. i love my comfy bed and soft sheets and running water and full refrigerator and big bath tub and favorite jeans and favorite fork and favorite music and favorite everything... my camel is anything but barebacked and bony. she'd get stuck in the needle for sure.

i'm listening to neil young today. i'm not sure why. i think i'm nervous about tomorrow's trial. it started with "cowgirl in the sand" and now i'm hearing "ohio." i tend to write a little grittier when i hear stuff like this. music is so amazing.

so this trial... really small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. but still. i'm nervous. i can't help it. it's nice to have a minute alone to write about it.


i know you're with me, God. thank you for seeing me through.

now for a little bob marley... (see ya, neil. thanks.)

"thank you Lord for what you've done for me... thank you Lord for what you're doing now... thank you Lord for every little thing... thank you Lord for you make me sing..."