little horsey

i'm not sure if i've spelled it out before, but i teach psychology at a nearby university. this semester has been a strange one, as i've only had one class so far. that's left me with a good amount of time for creative works.

starting tomorrow i'll be taking over two sections of another class, and adding another 114 students to my grade book. the professor of those classes is ready to have her baby. (it's a girl. she'll be arriving any minute...)

i have 51 students in my other class, so this brings me to a total of 165. that's a lot of names to remember. not that i'm under any obligation to remember them all. it's just much nicer and warmer when i can call at least some of them by name.

speaking of names...

my little girl (2 1/2 years old) has recently been insisting that we call her "little horsey." she'll gently correct us if we use any other name. "could you put your brush away, sweetie?" i'd say. "could you put your brush away, little horsey?" she'd correct me. she's already a kind and gentle teacher.

she's now adding "horsey" to the name of people that mean something to her. uncle byron horsey brings her candy. mommy horsey takes her for a walk. daddy horsey reads her a story. grammy horsey fixes her a snack.

the other day something startled her. she jumped into my arms saying "little horsey's scared!" i said "don't worry little horsey. you'll be all right. do you know who's gonna protect you?"

"grammy horsey?" she offered.

"well, yes, grammy horsey will protect you, but i was thinking more along the lines of God," i said.

"grammy horsey and God horsey will protect you," she declared.

"that's right, honey," i said, giggling.

"that's right, little horsey."

"oh, of course. sorry."

shuggie's lizard

the bird show

last night my little girl and i laid on our backs in one of those long lawn chairs and watched hoards of blackbirds criss cross above. our yard has super-tall trees that encircle the sky with a deep green ring of branches. kind of like a big christmas wreath with a twilight neon bowl shaped sky filling up the center. we were like the big bow at the bottom of the wreath, our arms and legs overlapping on the lawn chair.

the birds made a really loud raucous. loud enough to have to raise our voices a little to hear one another. the frenzied chirping must be a part of their ritual. they must be saying something with all that. or maybe they're just creating a buzz for themselves.

i've always been really sensitive to noise. i feel it in my skin - the vibration. if it's really loud it penetrates my spinal column. the bird frenzy was an interesting tickling sensation in the lower third of my spine. i can see how it would be a nuisance to someone trying to do something serious out here. like sleep or something. kind of like a lawn mower. but tonight we delighted in their rambunctious chirping. we giggled and said "here they come!" and joined them in their excitement.

they swooped down into the twilight bowl and then back up to perch in the highest points of the evergreens. then all of a sudden - silence. no more chirping. totally silent. still silent. and still. still. still. it was unbelievable. we held our breath waiting.

then just as suddenly and loudly, they resumed their resonant chirping. they did a few more orchestrated laps, and kept tweeting and twittering up to the tippy tops of the trees. i'd fix my eye on one and watch the branch bob underneath his little toes. "see him up there? he's got to hold on tight!" i'd say. "hold on tight!" she'd echo.

then silence again, kicked off this time by a robust maestro tweet. then, still totally silent, two groups flying opposite ways swooped in really low, circled around the bowl, criss crossed, and disappeared into the trees. we were a little stunned at that point.

it was very much like the grand finale of a fireworks show, only this one built up to a totally quiet climax. totally quiet except for their wings, which reminded me of that sound you make when you shake out a pillow case. only instead of one big pillow case, it was like 300 teeny ones, all flapping at once. it was something.

this bird show will be part of our regular routine for however long it runs. we'll add it to the already popular after dark "check the crickets" routine. that's where we say hello to the crickets, and to venus, and sometimes to the moon.

"mommy wants to check the crickets," she says in her sweet little voice.

yes, mommy does.

cue: "blackbird" by the beatles
"you were only waiting for this moment to arise...."

remedy

i've had a hard morning. i've got bills to pay and a dentist appointment at 2. i'll be fitted for another crown. this will make three total so far. the upside is that i do not need a root canal. they thought i might for a minute. i'm grateful to be spared that trauma. but i need this crown soon or it'll turn into a much worse problem. so i'm going today. i don't feel like it. but i'll do it anyway.

i was teary earlier about that, plus loads of other annoying expensive things, so i prayed about it. "what should i do Lord?" there's an scraggley little voice in me that harasses me sometimes: "what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do? what are you gonna do?" it's like one of those dark little myna birds on my shoulder.

speaking of birds.....i have a bird story to write about...

(what am i going to do? i'll be grateful, pray, listen, relax, write.... for me, writing is a remedy for many ailments. that, and patience. remember - be patient. be patient. be patient. patience will solve this problem. that's my mantra today.)

picture borrowed from: http://drawger.com/brandonreese/images/tooth.jpg

play after every storm

that's what mattie stepanek said. he was a wise little kid.

that might be one of the few places we get true wisdom... from little kids.

we also get it from inside the heart. but sometimes it's hard to hear way in there. it's just a whisper through a wall in a loud loud world.

i've learned how to retreat from the noise. and since this little angel has arrived in my life, my walls have become pretty thin. but still, sometimes i pray for the whisper to be a shout.

and sometimes it is.

the verdict

i got to court painfully early, but was actually relieved to be away from my little girl. she was the valve for our stress today. we all did our best. but there was no shortage of snot and tears and screaming. so i fled the scene as soon as i could.

the courthouse was fairly empty. i had to remove my belt for the metal detector and then tried to make small talk with the deputies while i put it back on. it's a very strange feeling to put a belt on in public, with people watching you.

i went into the courtroom while they were hearing other cases, and sat in the front row. the first case i saw was a hearing against a heavyset elderly black lady walking with a cane. she was all dressed up in a flowy flowery skirt and red lipstick. the attorney for the plantiff talked down to her like she didn't know english. then he said he'd meet with her outside to talk about the case against her. she made her way back out, looking confused.

then the judge, serious and stern up until that point, called someone by the wrong name and then burst into a sweet little giggle. it was nice. it made me smile. he was pretty cute for a judge. i think i might have accidently developed a little crush on him by the time i had to go up there, which made me more nervous than i was already. thankfully i'd developed a fantastically strong ability to mask my emotions in adolescence. that's one good thing that came from all that bullying. the trick is knowing when to use it, and when to be real. today wasn't so much a day to be real. honest, yes. but cool as a cucumber. like those japanese warriors. never flinch.

"calvary investments v. amy"... uh oh, here we go...

i stood up really straight, as if there were a string attached to the tippy top of my head, holding me there. i walked up to the podium, feeling eyes on me. then i waited. the judge swore me in, though there was no bible or anything like that around. "do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?" just like the movies. i kept my eyes fixed on his and quietly said "yes."

yes, i will tell the truth. telling the truth is the only way.

but remember - only answer the questions - don't offer details unless the judge asks for them... (such good advice from my loved ones)

the plantiff called me as their only witness, asked me a couple of questions, and insinuated that i fabricated the identity theft as a defense. he glared at me above his bifocals like i was a lying fraud. probably because he usually surrounds himself with liars. i forgive him for it. plus, i had my file there to prove it if i had to. but i didn't. i just looked him in the eye and smiled and quietly answered his questions "yes" and "no" and no more.

when it was my turn to talk i told the judge i had pretty much spelled out my position in my defense paper: i would be happy to pay it if the debt is mine, but since i had some fraudulant information on my account, and since they won't give me anything more than an account number, i still can't tell if the debt is mine or not, and therefore refuse to pay.

then the opposing council asked for an "unsuit"... i think... now the term escapes me but it's something to that effect. the judge explained that calvary wants to drop it for now, but still be able to bring a suit against me later.

then he shook his head and said to the attorney, "questionable practices here. there's really nothing here for her to go on. this isn't much of a bill of particulars." he looked a little disgusted with them, which made me think he was even cuter. then he paused, ruled against the motion for the "unsuit" and then said, "in fairness, this case is dismissed."

i had been rehearsing that moment and the feeling that went with it for days on end. i was so relieved to hear that. "do you understand?" he asked me. i did, pretty much, but i wanted to hear it again. "well, it means that they can't sue you again over this, and that because they didn't make their case, in fairness to you, i have decided to dismiss it. that means it can't come back up again."

"in this form," the attorney piped in, all grouchy like. i didn't bother asking them to explain that part, but from the sound of it, they might try to appeal it in some way.

i thanked the judge as earnestly as i knew how. i secretly wanted to give him a hug. then i strode out of the courtroom, and saw the flowery dressed elderly lady outside waiting for the attorney that just went against me. i told her that i was victorious, and that i didn't have anyone here with me to tell, so i hoped she didn't mind that i tell her. she congratulated me and smiled through her red lipstick.

i could feel her anxiety, so i sat down with her and listened to her talk about confusion over a mystery debt from wal-mart. then i warned her about the silver-tongued attorney. i reminded her that he's not on her side. then i laid my hand on her shoulder and blessed her. her whole face lit up like one of those hallogen lamps. "you a cute thing!" she said loudly, with a big laugh. "i'm glad you won!"

yeah, me too.

Lord, thank you for the victory today. thank you for keeping your hand on that sweet lady i met, and for helping her through this hard time. thank you for helping me forgive that lawyer for treating me like a liar, and those collectors for making my life a little more stressful. bless them and keep them close to you so that they may see a better way to live. in Jesus' name, Amen.

on trial

tomorrow i'll be on trial for a debt that i'm not sure i owe.

i've had my identity stolen by someone in brooklyn who charges up bills in my name and then leaves me hounded by a ringing phone and rude collectors for weeks on end. we have to keep the ringers off all the time now.

i asked the collectors who are suing me to give me the details of the debt to make sure it's mine. in response they sent me a print out of a computer screen from their office with an account number and my name and a big figure. well, not big to most people. but big to me.

i've learned a lot about money. i learned that credit cards are nightmares that pose as beautiful dreams. i learned that you don't need as much money as you think you do. i've learned that some people measure you by money. those aren't people i enjoy being around all that much. they're the same kinds of people that talk about your shoes when you leave the room.

i've learned that a few people in my life have shown themselves to be unexpectedly enormously generous, and have come through for me in some real times of need. there've been plenty of opportunities to help, too. i've been embarrassingly needy at times.

i've learned that i've always had a scarcity consciousness... afraid that i won't have enough. i'm learning how to shift my thinking about that.

i also used to equate poverty with some sort of spiritual prowess. like if you're a spiritual person then you don't care about material things. but then i realized that it's impossible to help other people in this world in the ways that so many of them need help if you have nothing material to give them. it's silly when i think about it that way.

plus, the real truth is that i do very much care about material things. i love my comfy bed and soft sheets and running water and full refrigerator and big bath tub and favorite jeans and favorite fork and favorite music and favorite everything... my camel is anything but barebacked and bony. she'd get stuck in the needle for sure.

i'm listening to neil young today. i'm not sure why. i think i'm nervous about tomorrow's trial. it started with "cowgirl in the sand" and now i'm hearing "ohio." i tend to write a little grittier when i hear stuff like this. music is so amazing.

so this trial... really small potatoes in the grand scheme of things. but still. i'm nervous. i can't help it. it's nice to have a minute alone to write about it.


i know you're with me, God. thank you for seeing me through.

now for a little bob marley... (see ya, neil. thanks.)

"thank you Lord for what you've done for me... thank you Lord for what you're doing now... thank you Lord for every little thing... thank you Lord for you make me sing..."

love is all that matters

seriously.

an old friend wrote me the other day about a book he's writing. it's a third edition of a software manual. the first edition was written when we were a couple. i spent many many hours alone while he toiled away on that thing. he dedicated it to me, which was lovely, but by the time i got my official copy, i'd broken up with him. i didn't want to live my life alone, waiting for someone to finish their masterpiece.

this friend (whom i still love dearly) is now dating someone new, and is faced with the same kind of problems that we had. he claims that this third edition is his "best work yet." i haven't brought myself to tell him that love is all that matters. NOTHING else matters. everything else will fade away, rot, melt, disappear, or just cease to exist. but love is eternal.

another thing i've learned that seems worth sharing is that we will never be left without a source of love. it's the ego that wants love from some specific being at a specific time. we get all wrapped in knots of we don't get it from that one person... but if we look around, we can see that love has been there all along.

bête noire

in a last ditch effort to ruin my day, the devil sent a long legged spider my way...

it scurried across my face just when i was all relaxed and snuggled in bed. i went "AAAAH!" and swatted it from my cheek to the comforter. then ken grabbed it by one of it's legs, tore into the bathroom like his pants were on fire, and hurled it into the toilet. we laughed and shuddered and had the creepy crawlies for a minute or so. we said things like "can you believe that?! holy crap!!!" and then we felt kind of bad for killing it. it turned out to be just a daddy long legs, which are quite lovely, harmless creatures.* too bad it snuck up on me in the dark. anyway, aside from a few intrusive memories and itchy moments here and there, we were back to snuggling in no time.

i didn't used to personify the darkness, though i have been curious about the notion ever since i saw robert deniro star as the devil in the film "angel heart." i'll never forget the part where he peeled a hard boiled egg with those really nasty fingernails. i wonder what it does to a person to play a character like that.

one quote about the devil that always stuck with me is, "the greatest trick of the devil is to persuade you that he does not exist." my brother told me it was charles baudelaire who said that. i haven't read much french poetry to be honest.

anyway, after i wrote that little spider story i looked up "devil" at dictionary.com and learned some very interesting things.
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/devil
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/devil

the last thing i read gave me chills...

"Talk of the Devil, and he's presently at your elbow" [1666]

picture "alice's devil" borrowed from tips to no devil : http://uk.geocities.com/willhelston/tips.html

*one of my students just told me that daddy long legs are actually the most venomous and fierce spiders of all, but that their fangs can only penetrate human skin between our toes and fingers. and if they bite you, you could die! yikes! ... from the research i've done online, it seems that may just be a legend stemming from the fact that daddy longlegs can kill a black widow.

now i'm free

rest in peace, sweet hearts. we'll see you again someday.

thanks for a gorgeous shot, unknown artist. (image found here)

cinderella

truth be told, i'm not all that crazy about disney movies anymore, but shuggie loves cinderella. you can imagine how she reacted when she saw a cinderella costume in a magazine the other day. so i ordered it for her. this pic pretty much sums up her feelings about the dress:

she had us cracking up with her wacky expressions. here's a video we made to try and capture the moment...

if you remember you're dreaming...

...then you can fly.

that's what i tell my little girl every time i put her down for bed. actually it goes,"honey, what happens when you remember you're dreaming?"

"fly!" she says with a big audible smile. then she giggles and elongates the word with joy, "FLYYYYYYY!"

then she tells me on what sort of beast she intends to fly. sometimes it's a mythical animal like a unicorn or a giant butterfly. sometimes it's something strange like a panda. occasionally it'll be a seafaring creature, like a dolphin, or a freshwater pet like a goldfish. other times it'll be something more realistic, like a helicopter. today it was a regular old plane.

"you'll be flying in a plane?"

"yes! mommy and shuggie in a plane togeder."

"where are we going?"

"to the sky!"

oh. of course. silly me.

for jade on her birthday

...it's a few days late, but hopefully you'll be celebrating all week.

i love that you've inspired me to be creative today, even though i don't even know you. i've caught a glimpse of you on mr. burns' blog, where you often have something wise, funny or kind to say. i admire that you use your gifts to inspire and enlighten other people.

i just recently had time to look through your blog, and it's really beautiful. i especially love the picture of the candles in front of the window. it looks like an alter. and your writing is quite honest. it reveals your true nature as an artist. i hope you continue to share yourself with the world. and i hope you expect great things this year.

jade, you were born on september 3, which, according to our big fat birthday book, is "the day of the mold breakers."

you were born on the same day as: marguerite higgins, carl d. anderson, urho kekkonen, frank macfarlane burnet, pietro locatelli, mort walker, and memphis slim.

the birthday book lists your strengths as: multi-talented, socially adept, and patient.

it says your weaknesses are: procrastinating, overly stoic or yielding.

the advice for people born on this day: "actively seek to do what you really want to do. develop your self confidence and assertiveness. don't be afraid to fail. try not to cultivate too much mystery around what you do; take time to explain your methods and motives to others."

your meditation is: hear what others say to you, but remain in tune with your own inner voice.

happy birthday, jade.












the big fat birthday book = "The Secret Language of Birthdays" by Goldschneider & Elffers (1994)

pony ride

for rob

my dear friend has been very sick. this is our "get well soon" video for him.