i am not my meatsuit

how can i be sure? i can't.

there is no certainty. there's only faith.

first snow

america

YAHWEH

after the holidays i started to feel the stress of a new semester. new classes... new routine.... new challenges... so many unknowns....

i was feeling very anxious.

to manage this anxiety i started listening to sufjan stephen's "joy to the world" as often as possible. i loved it so much that i burned it onto a disk just by itself, which is like a horrific crime in my economically minded family. my husband for sure would think that was "very wasteful." but he saw how much i loved it so he made an exception. he's sweet like that.

i listened to it over and over and i loved it. but as soon as i ran into my brother i gave it away. i knew he would love it too. i missed it immediately, but i couldn't pull that one song on a cd thing again, so i decided to make a new mix. below are it's contents.

i've played it a million times to soothe and calm my nerves. it's worked.

"and wonders of his love.... " (thanks YAHWEH)

YAHWEH mix (Jan 1, 2007)
joy to the world (sufjan stephens)
television (robin hitchcock)
songbird (fleetwood mac)
blue skies (willie nelson)
beautiful boy (john lennon)
one of these things first (nick drake)
hearts and bones (paul simon)
babylon (david gray)
together (william shatner)
strange apparition (beck)
daughters (john mayer)
father and daughter (paul simon)
beautiful girl (INXS)
ride (g love)
yahweh (u2)
freedom flight (shuggie otis)

morning light

the bath

my baby and i share a bathroom. we both love taking baths.


her toys tolerate me pretty well when it's my turn.




one of the frogs fell into the water today and startled me. it reminded me of why i don't like languishing about in a more natural setting, like a lake or a river. it's hard to relax with live critters all around you.

but these bathtub critters are all right. they usually stay put. and they politely look away while i lie there all vulnerable and naked. they are quite civilized, really.

most of them, that is.

happy new year

shuggie's new coat

shuggie tries on a new fancy coat she received from her uncle tim and aunt yi chieh for christmas.

music credit: the music sampled in this piece is borrowed from sufjan steven's songs for christmas. it is the most lovely and tender version of "joy to the world" that i've ever heard.

(note: for those of you new to online video watching... don't forget to hit the pause button while the movie loads or it may stop a few times while you're trying to watch it)

for more shuggie videos please visit radio wednesday

goodbye 2006

only a couple days left in the year...

we just got home from a week long adventure to see our massachusetts family. it wasn't completely sunny, but there was a whole lot of love, plus a rainbow in the end.*

we extend a warmhearted welcome to 2007.

may the new year
lift us all
to higher ground.


*we saw this rainbow on the bed in our hotel room the morning of our final day on the road. it was really beautiful. also, the front desk lady gave us the AAA rate even though we aren't members. cool lady, beautiful rainbow, and a trip with more than a few lasting memories.

shuggie says

her abc's...

childhood favorite

my little girl got really excited when she saw my favorite ornament on grammy's tree. she started to whinny and then sprayed horsey-noise slobber all over my glasses.

i bet it will be her favorite too.

three santas

christmas cookie

good tidings

of comfort...




and joy...


joy...


JOY!!!

beautiful brown's beautiful boyfriend

moosey brown needs a friend.
a boyfriend, to be precise.

a beautiful boyfriend.

one that doesn't bark too much
only slightly
(only slightly)
more than she does,
to alert us of things
not worth mentioning.

this boyfriend doesn't shed,
is very good with children,
respects our house rules,
is fun to be with,
and does some crowdpleasing tricks
once in a while.

this beautiful boyfriend
makes our beautiful brown
very very
very very
happy.

he makes us happy too,
of course.
he comes when we call
and is civilized
on a leash.

he eats anything,
especially bread
and everything else
that moosey can't stand.

he knows where
and when
to poo
and pee.

his gratitude
for everyday things
fills the house
with joy.

he's gentle, loving, smart,
and just intimidating enough
to scare someone
if he has to.

he's already been fixed
to save us
from going through that.

he's a polite
kind of dog
who models good things
for moosey brown.

he's in great health,
has a shiny soft coat
and smells pretty good
for a dog.

when we meet him we know
he is meant to be with us.

the most important part of all
that i cannot emphasize enough
is that this beautiful boyfriend
loves moosey
with all his heart.

she loves him
equally so,
though sometimes she pretends
he loves her more.

they romp around
in the fenced yard
and curl up with each other
at night
in a brand new bed
built for two.

they know how to fight,
but rarely do.

content and happy,
they live each day
like it was their last
until the day that it's true...
at least for one.

just as gently and peacefully,
the other shortly follows.

and then ...

they do it all over again.

Heavenly Father,

We trust you.
We are grateful for you.
We celebrate you.
We love you.

In the name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.

the wire monkey

this is a short story of mine that i dug up after covering the topic of eating disorders in my abnormal psychology class. it was written a little over a year ago.

even though it's a very personal story, i'm sharing it because it might help other people to hear my own struggle with weight and body image issues. since writing this story i've lost over 70 pounds -- without actually being on a "diet". i've given up dieting for good. balancing my life has been the best remedy for just about everything that ails me.

i hope you enjoy the story....

my post-baby body transformation is a slow moving one. i still feel like hell when i look in the mirror. i still need the miraculous shift in perception, so i'm praying for it.
"Lord, thank you for helping me see my body through your eyes. thank you for helping me accept my body the way it is. thank you for helping me have confidence even though i know i'm not looking my best. thank you for transforming my mind about my body." (i've been learning to speak it like it's already happened as a measure of faith.)
like i've said before, some miracles take time. and this problem of mine isn't really a "post-baby" one. it's more of a longstanding one... my body image issues have been a source of anxiety, inhibition, and frustration for me as far back as i can recall.

i was the girl who was told she's beautiful, who was always fairly thin, but who pretty much always felt ugly and deformed. that's partly why i wasn't exactly what you'd call "hard to get" in high school... for some reason i interpreted the attention toward me as proof that i must not be that ugly. "i must be kind of beautiful if they want to be with me, right?" wrong. i learned later that most teenage boys' criteria is not usually too high. so in the end, that false confirmation of beauty made me feel even more ugly than i did in the first place.

i've pretty much always felt this way. about three years back i reached a turning point, though, where i actually was feeling much more confident and not nearly as self conscious as i used to feel. i didn't mind my body, and i had learned to accept my other various quirky imperfect features. of course, i was very thin, as i've been most of my life. almost gangly actually.

i had no idea at the time how much confidence i was gaining from being thin.

these days you'd be hard pressed to find any "gangly" part of me. i started getting pudgy after i kicked the cig. i didn't start snacking instead of smoking like you may think (actually i used puppetry to keep my hands busy, and punched a pillow when cravings attacked). but still, i got pretty fat. and then i got pregnant... and then i got huge.

i finally gave birth, but instead of shrinking back down, that belly stayed big and blubbery. it's been more than 6 months, and despite my walks and crunches and stuff, i'm still huge. i've been working at it, i've been praying, and i've been sure that the light is just around the corner.
one day, after accumulating a load of toxic emotional angst from a weekend at my mom's "wall to wall mirror" house, i was rocking my baby girl to sleep, and i looked down to see her belly on my belly. her cheek was comfortably cushioned on one of my new bouncy 38-D's. her long arms were wrapped around me. her fingers clutched my lovehandles . we kept rocking, and i thought,"she looks so much like a little happy comfy peaceful baby monkey. thank you God for this sweet little monkey."

then i remembered harry harlow and his baby monkey research. harlow took these teeny newborn monkeys (yes, it would be unethical these days) and put them with two inanimate surrogate "mothers." one "mother" was made of wood, with a soft cushy bit of terrycloth around it's body, and the other "mother" was made of hard cold wire. harlow learned that the babies spent more time hugging and clutching onto the soft terrycloth monkey, even when the wire one was the only source of food.

so with this new girth, i guess i'm more like one of those soft terry cloth monkeys. and i should be glad about that. i wouldn't want to be a cold bony wirey monkey (not that there aren't awesome thin mom's out there, but come on, give me something here...)
...so i get it. i'm cuddly and cushiony and huggable, and that's a great way for a mom to be. that's an empowering new perspective ....a real miracle in the making.

now when i start to fret about my body, i think about that wire monkey, and i am at peace again.

ok, not totally, but it's a start.

(thank you Lord)

master teacher

love

the fall

leaves burn bright
and swirl in the wind.
there's nothing
more beautiful
than the fall.

welcome home

while you were gone i had a dream where i was inside a building at a big reception. there was lots of noise and lots of people. it was stressful. every time i got tired i'd head outside to a big beautiful wraparound deck where you were standing with a row of guys talking and laughing. i'd slide up and join you without interrupting your flow. then i'd wrap my arms around your slender waist, tuck my head into your chest, and just hug you. you hugged me back, and i'd just sit there and rest for a little while, recharging. you kept talking and laughing. i had one ear pressed against your chest so i could feel your heart beat and your voice echo and vibrate inside of you. you were so relaxed. you had such a calming, grounding effect on me. it was great.

since then i imagine that embrace every time i get really stressed.

the amazing technicolor dream quilt

If people don't want to feel as if one religion is dominating in public places, then why not encourage more religious/spiritual/moral expression in public places? Why not help the underrepresented perspectives be shown and seen too, instead of removing what is now there?

If we have the ten commandments, why not have Ghandi's 7 blunders? Or a phrase or two from the Dalai Lama? Or a big OM statue? Or Ben Franklin's 13 Virtues?

What are we so afraid of?

I envision a courthouse with all the major religions represented by beautiful works of art. I see a school classroom where a space of quiet meditation in the beginning of the day is the norm. I envision people discussing loving things that Gandhi and Buddha and Jesus said, freely and openly, without ridicule or judgment from one another.

And with no one being sued.

Let's flood our public centers with images and ideas of goodness and wisdom from all corners of the universe. Let our public officials be inspired by expressions of truth, beauty, and moral consciousness all day long. Let America be rich with cultural and spiritual expression, not barren. Let it be a quilt of many colors, not just one. Or worse... none

pride threw the first punch

There is truth in everything.
Our unwillingness to see that is an issue of pride.

we want to be right
more than we want peace.

(photo: "white picket fence" by ken)

fruitproof

"the fruit inspector...

9 fruits of the spirit:
love

joy

peace

patience

kindness

goodness

trustfulness

gentleness

self-control

(Ga 5:22-23)

... and the treekeeper"

the proof's in the fruit

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%205:22-23;&version=65;

(photos by ken)

ben franklin's 13 virtues

1.TEMPERANCE.
Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2. SILENCE.
Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

3. ORDER.
Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

4. RESOLUTION.
Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

5. FRUGALITY.
Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

6. INDUSTRY.
Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. SINCERITY.
Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

8. JUSTICE.
Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

9. MODERATION.
Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10.CLEANLINESS.
Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.

11.TRANQUILLITY.
Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

12. CHASTITY.
Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.

13. HUMILITY.
Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

"Around 1730, while in his late 20s, Benjamin Franklin listed thirteen virtues that he felt were an important guide for living. Ben Franklin tried to lead his life, following these virtues. He placed each one of the virtues on a separate page in a small book that he kept with him for most of his life. He would evaluate his performance with regard to each of them on a daily basis. He would also select one of the virtues to focus on for full week. Franklin often emphasized these virtues in his Poor Richard's Almanack. Later, in a letter to his son William, he gave the list of virtues, recommending that William follow them too.

Although Franklin tried to follow them himself, he sometimes went astray from his good intentions. For example, in his Almanack, Poor Richard (Franklin) gave the advice: 'Be temperate in wine, in eating, girls, and cloth, or the Gout will seize you and plague you both.' Meanwhile, Franklin was known to relished his food, womanize and sometimes dress to impress people. His food and wine-drinking habits led him to be plagued with the gout for much of his life. But still, the positive intentions were there." -Ron Kurtus

Historical notes from: http://www.school-for-champions.com/character/franklin_virtues.htm)

The image of Franklin is borrowed from the American Philosophical Society, which Franklin founded in 1743.

the banquet

(This is my first response to all of the posts on a column by Lewis Sheckler entitled The Church Of Liberalism, America's Established Religion on NRVToday.com)

Aside from that Jim Ward stunner, and a couple of other ugly personal comments I don't care to revisit, I've been impressed with the writers of the posts on Mr. Sheckler's column.

I've heard all of you, (despite yourselves sometimes) and I have been working on putting together my own reflections on the many issues that have been brought forth. You are all informing me about new perspectives, and I am grateful for that.

I would suggest that we continue to rise above the tone (violence) and seek the truth within all of the posts here. Where there is no truth present, we can promptly move on.


Thank you Mr. Sheckler for your willingness to take the heat in order to open a dialogue. I admire your strength and perseverance.

Thanks to all of you who are willing to share your point of view and earnestly discuss these serious and deep issues. We can't get anywhere in a dialogue until we come to the table together, and I'm glad to see you're all making the effort.

I saw a Christian preacher recently talking about the "banquet" that God will host in the heavenly realm, in which we would be seated in the presence of our enemies. This preacher interpreted that as meaning we are all called to the banquet together, and our enemies are a witness to our honor because they are seated across from us at the table. He said that we are able to do it, to feast together, because it is a table of peace.

I guess in the earthly realm, NRVToday.com is turning out to be like a banquet host. It's up to us to make our table one of peace as well.













Love to all,
Amy

the forest and the tree

re: religiosity in the trucklight story... thoughts inspired by crc's audiopost entitled "road trip day 4" http://www.plastercity.com/blogs/ears.htm

It's a good thing to accept the creative expression of an artist's faith. It is part of inclusiveness.

There are many words describing the same thing. Truth comes to us from every corner of the universe. We can find it within every religion, every myth, every belief system, virtually every thing to which we are exposed.

We recognize the truth by its resonance within us, and then we give the rest - the illusions, the misunderstandings, the lies, and the like - very little of our energy.

(that reminds me of the pile of apple cores i chucked in the trash after i had extracted the delicious bits for my pie.)

look for the delicious bits in everything.
chuck the rest.

Through this lens, a religious expression can provide spiritual connection rather than religious disconnection. The invisible threads between us become visible.

Religious symbols and stories from all faiths

are like tiny lights in the night
that come to us when we need them.

"working m(om)"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aum

"there you are, staring at stars, breathing in awe, feeling at one with the universe, ...you know all this already, don't you?"

"feed my sheep"

from mia farrow's trip to darfur www.people.com/darfur

www.unicefusa.org

www.savedarfur.org

the grateful dead

Mr. Sheckler, a writer in our hometown online paper www.NRVToday.com, reminds me of my granddaddy. I just loved my granddaddy so much, but he would infuriate me with his beliefs. He would insist he was right, and I, of course, knew I was right, and so I would waste hours debating issues with him. I finally gave up trying to convince him of anything, and just let him be.

Despite this peace treaty of sorts, he would occasionally lecture and/or tease me about various points of contention. He was a funny old man with a contagious giggle. It was hard to stay mad at him. I'd just shake my head and say "oh Granddaddy!" I did get him to finally stop saying the (hateful, violent) "n" word around me. Getting that old southern man to stop using that word was probably the best thing I did for him in that way. The best thing he did for me was to help me see that I can think very differently from someone and still love them with all my heart.

He's been gone awhile now, and I still miss him. He called me up in a dream once during our fourth major hurricane in Orlando. I said,"Hey Granddaddy! I wanted to ask you now that you've crossed over, what, besides the teeth thing, would you have done differently?"

He used to always tell me his only regret in life was not taking better care of his teeth. He loved to eat. As far back as I can recall he had a big fat set of fake choppers. As a kid I just thought they were his own teeth. I had no clue. I remember being quite alarmed on the rare occasion that he would show up without them. Having no teeth really profoundly changes the way people talk, you know. That can be scary for a clueless kid. Truth be told, those gums a 'flappin are pretty distracting as well.

Anyway, if he had to do it all over again, he would have taken much better care of his teeth. Every time I remember that I floss for a few days. I've flossed once already today in memory of him. I'm sure I'll do it again. (The old lady in me who just loves golden delicious apples and salty, buttery corn-on-the-cob thanks you generously, granddaddy).

So I’m on the phone with him in a dream during the hurricane and I ask him if there was anything else he would do differently, and he said as clear as day,"I would be more grateful ... for everything."

"Oh yeah?" I said, curious about the pause and emphasis. He responded,"Yes, for everything." Again, with emphasis, as if to tell me that there may be some things I'm not appreciating.

It's true that after three hurricanes and multiple power outages in the first trimester of pregnancy in florida in August (you add it up) I was really worn out. Downright ill in fact. Appreciative thoughts weren't on the top of my agenda, so this dream couldn't have come at a better moment.

When I woke up there was this nice cool breeze blowing my homemade curtain toward me and I thought oh, thank you God for that nice breeze. Thank you for fresh drinking water. Thank you for the toilet, and that soft toilet paper. Thank you for the batteries for our little radio. Thank you for our helpful neighbors. Thank you for Ken. Thank you thank you thank you for my little baby.

Thank you for everything.

Just then I realized that it was my air conditioning that was blowing the curtain. YAY! THANK YOU FOR RESTORING OUR POWER! WOO HOO! (always, always a reason to celebrate).

It's funny but I thought the very same thing today. This morning is my morning off from mommy duty. I was looking forward to some serious computer time. But when I woke up we had no power. I found it humorous that we somehow sailed though all these ginormous storms in the past couple of days without losing our power only to lose it today, while the sun shines down on pretty much my only morning off. Then I remembered my granddaddy again, calling me from the other side, offering me the cure for what ails me.

So I kept my mind full of thankful thoughts, and the power was restored in an hour or so. I greeted it's return with the usual THANK YOU LORD shuffle, and then I quickly resumed my pre-conceived notions for the day. I powered up "Eleven," (I don't just name trees, I name computers too) checked the morning headlines on NRVToday, and then saw that some anonymous person who sounded kind of reasonable to me had commented on one of Mr. Sheckler's posts. This new post gave me hope that I wasn't the only one who gets that we aren't discussing anything real on this message board. We're all just labeling and blaming and attacking each other.

I pondered what I'd say in response, and I thought, well, why not start out by asking questions? Let's not assume we already have all the answers. And then, in my minds eye, I saw Mr. Sheckler and his big ole' grin, and then I saw my granddaddy and his big ole grin, and then I smiled. As I reached for the floss I thought, thank you God for helping me learn how to love my neighbor.


















photos: "dreamcatcher" by amy; " green swirl" by ken

happy smoky explosion day

It's the time of year again when families and friends will picnic and play and lay under the stars on blankets awaiting the smoky explosion show.

We really are living in a blessed country when a vast majority of the explosions we hear are celebratory ones.

Thank you God for peace in my neighborhood today.

Thank you God for our freedom.

Thank you for our many many many blessings.

Thank you for the beauty all around us.

Thank you for all the opportunities.

Thank you for giving us a compassionate heart.

Thank you for allowing us to live in a land full of possibilities.

Thank you for access to this brilliant technology, and all of it's possibilities.

Thank you for giving us all strong voices here.

And thank you for giving us the courage to use them.

We are truly grateful.