what's your first memory?

we're studying alfred adler in my personality class. on friday we discovered what adler would say about birth order. tomorrow we'll be looking into what our very first memory says about us....

my first memory goes back to when i about four and my parents tried to coax me into wearing contact lenses. the doctors thought it might slow my vision loss.

i remember feeling scared. i remember feeling pressured.

i remember feeling angry. and cornered. and scared.
(did i mention scared?)

i remember being bribed.

i remember saying no.

no, i will not put that thing in my eye.

no, i will not cooperate with you trying to put it in my eye either.

no, not even for that horse calender i told you i really loved.

no, not even when you make me feel silly. or stupid. or weak. or guilty.

so, i see... i do what i want to do. i say no. i dig in. i resist. i rebel.

adler would say that's my "style of life."

ironically i ended up wearing contact lenses so much after hitting puberty that i nearly killed my eyes. my glasses were so thick, i'd never be caught dead outside the house with them. (vanity hurts.)

i'm glad i'm free of that. not vanity... (who's totally free of vanity?) no, i'm glad i'm free of the fear of wearing glasses in public. i can see so much better with them.

it's nice to be free.

(thank you Lord.)

it's also nice to have pretty glasses.

(thank you mom.)

one day i'll be free of these glasses too. (they're not that pretty, and they're usually crooked and greasy from my little girl grabbing at them all the time.)

eventually i'll be free of these eyeballs all together. but that's a conversation about death.... for another time.

for now i'll be grateful i've got them, these eyeballs, even though they're not perfect.

(adler would say i've been striving to overcome "organ inferiority. " he's probably right.)

after the whole contact lens thing i ended up having to get tested for diabetes. the doctors thought my vision may be deteriorating because i was diabetic. it turns out i wasn't. that's a horrible test, incidentally. hours of syrup drinking and bloodletting.

no wonder i can't stand going to the doctor.

my parents never did get me a horse calender. not even for christmas or my birthday or anything. not even after that long day at the bloodletting office. they did give me a big stuffed dog though, which was sweet of them. i had that dog for a long time.

but i never had a horse calender. for some reason as an adult it didn't occur to me to buy one for myself. i'm not sure why. i just never had one. until i was about 8 months pregnant.

tons of stuff used to make me ill when i was pregnant, including, just about anything the least bit smelly, and, regrettably, "the daily show". so, i was ill over something like that, and my sweet husband, never having heard that contact lens story, brought home a care package for me with delicious low sugar snacks (ironically i had gestational diabetes), some videos, and ... you guessed it... a horse calendar.

i couldn't believe it. after 33 years, i had my horse calendar.

i cried of course. you would too i bet.

i didn't even know i still wanted one.

happy love day

snow day

here's shuggie's first walk in the snow:

the true nature of man

my next door neighbor died last night

his name was houston. just like the city.

he'd been sick. it wasn't a shock. although for some reason i thought i had plenty of time to go visit him. shows you what i know.

a preacher and a family friend came over to break the news to us this morning. we were in the sunny front room of our house. in most people's home that would be the room filled with fancy furniture that you shouldn't eat around, but in our house it's a big messy playroom. we'd just been learning how to make stubby strands of play-doh hair when we saw these two men approach the front door.

houston had surgery recently. we brought over some blueberry muffins and a homemade get well soon card a couple days after he got home. i made the muffins and the card, and ken delivered them. i felt like a goon when ken came home and told me houston is diabetic.

(i should've known that. did he tell me that before? he must have. i really should write that kind of stuff down).

ken apologized for bringing food over that he can't eat, and then sat and listened to details about his latest health ordeal. houston had been suffering since we met him, and it was only getting worse. but i thought i had time.

i thought about him every day but for whatever reason couldn't bring myself to go over there and give him a big hug. that's what i would do if i had to do it over again.

so now he's gone, and i wasn't sure what to do.

first, i cried. i couldn't help it. i thought about how scared he probably was when he started to go downhill again. and of course i felt for his wife. a big chunk of her life is gone.

i cried big crocodile tears. my baby noticed i was crying, came up, looked me in the eye, and in her precious little voice said,"mommy sad." that make me giggle, which is always a beautiful moment.... when sadness gives way to joy .... and out comes a big teary laugh.... that's the best.

as i wiped my tears, my baby started saying "saaaad" in a low funny voice. "saaaaaad!" that made me laugh even more.

then i saw houston in my minds eye... free of that broken down meat suit ... soaring across the sky... laughing out loud..... free.

free of pain.... free of fear.... free of dread.... free of agony.... free of suffering.

free.
free.
free.

home free.

good for you, houston.

so..... what now? i wasn't sure what the socially appropriate thing would be. we don't know them all that well. we're quite new to the neighborhood. we've never faced a situation like this before. etc. etc.

we batted around various options. then we agreed to do nothing. we didn't want to move forward until we'd heard from the Lord. so we handed it over to him and waited.

"ok, Lord, we don't know what to do. we trust that you do. so lead the way."

a few minutes went by.

ok.... call your mother.

of course.

i had just talked to her for an hour or so earlier this morning. i knew she was off to play golf and i almost talked myself out of trying to reach her, but i felt the press on my heart, and called anyway. of course she loved being able to help.

"honey, call wade's deli and order a platter of ham biscuits," she said. "everyone loves those and they're low maintenance." of course. it's virginia. southerners love ham biscuits.

truth be told, i love ham biscuits too. i love all kinds of pig products. the hard part to live with is that l love piggies too. they're just as smart as 3 year old kids. if one were here he'd become part of the family, not part of the dinner menu. but for whatever reason i just can't seem to get enough of that piggy stuff.

i even asked for a baby pig calendar for christmas with the thought that if i confronted myself with adorable images of them i would easily be able to decrease my intake. but i've tucked the calendar under some papers on my desk and proceeded to eat bacon bits, pepperoni, and the like.

in fact, i ate a sausage biscuit just this morning. i was starving after ordering those ham biscuits, so i asked ken to haul ass to hardee's before they stopped serving breakfast. he did. and we chowed down.

our platter will be ready in the morning. i'll pick up a bucket of chicken too. then we'll go by there and hug some people. hopefully i'll think of just the right thing to say.







goodbye, houston. we'll miss you.

ice storm

zen story: dreaming

The great Taoist Master Chaung Tzu once had a dream that he was a butterfly. He fluttered about with no awareness of his individuality as a person. He was only a butterfly.

Suddenly he woke up and realized he was a person. He thought to himself,"Was I before a man who dreamt about being a butterfly, or am I now a butterfly who dreams about being a man?"



story borrowed with gratitude from: zen stories to tell your neighbors

image discovered with google images, and borrowed with gratitude from: ffxi.allakhazam.com/db/bestiary.html?fmob=4359

i am not my meatsuit

how can i be sure? i can't.

there is no certainty. there's only faith.

first snow

america

YAHWEH

after the holidays i started to feel the stress of a new semester. new classes... new routine.... new challenges... so many unknowns....

i was feeling very anxious.

to manage this anxiety i started listening to sufjan stephen's "joy to the world" as often as possible. i loved it so much that i burned it onto a disk just by itself, which is like a horrific crime in my economically minded family. my husband for sure would think that was "very wasteful." but he saw how much i loved it so he made an exception. he's sweet like that.

i listened to it over and over and i loved it. but as soon as i ran into my brother i gave it away. i knew he would love it too. i missed it immediately, but i couldn't pull that one song on a cd thing again, so i decided to make a new mix. below are it's contents.

i've played it a million times to soothe and calm my nerves. it's worked.

"and wonders of his love.... " (thanks YAHWEH)

YAHWEH mix (Jan 1, 2007)
joy to the world (sufjan stephens)
television (robin hitchcock)
songbird (fleetwood mac)
blue skies (willie nelson)
beautiful boy (john lennon)
one of these things first (nick drake)
hearts and bones (paul simon)
babylon (david gray)
together (william shatner)
strange apparition (beck)
daughters (john mayer)
father and daughter (paul simon)
beautiful girl (INXS)
ride (g love)
yahweh (u2)
freedom flight (shuggie otis)

morning light

the bath

my baby and i share a bathroom. we both love taking baths.


her toys tolerate me pretty well when it's my turn.




one of the frogs fell into the water today and startled me. it reminded me of why i don't like languishing about in a more natural setting, like a lake or a river. it's hard to relax with live critters all around you.

but these bathtub critters are all right. they usually stay put. and they politely look away while i lie there all vulnerable and naked. they are quite civilized, really.

most of them, that is.

happy new year

shuggie's new coat

shuggie tries on a new fancy coat she received from her uncle tim and aunt yi chieh for christmas.

music credit: the music sampled in this piece is borrowed from sufjan steven's songs for christmas. it is the most lovely and tender version of "joy to the world" that i've ever heard.

(note: for those of you new to online video watching... don't forget to hit the pause button while the movie loads or it may stop a few times while you're trying to watch it)

for more shuggie videos please visit radio wednesday

goodbye 2006

only a couple days left in the year...

we just got home from a week long adventure to see our massachusetts family. it wasn't completely sunny, but there was a whole lot of love, plus a rainbow in the end.*

we extend a warmhearted welcome to 2007.

may the new year
lift us all
to higher ground.


*we saw this rainbow on the bed in our hotel room the morning of our final day on the road. it was really beautiful. also, the front desk lady gave us the AAA rate even though we aren't members. cool lady, beautiful rainbow, and a trip with more than a few lasting memories.

shuggie says

her abc's...

childhood favorite

my little girl got really excited when she saw my favorite ornament on grammy's tree. she started to whinny and then sprayed horsey-noise slobber all over my glasses.

i bet it will be her favorite too.

three santas

christmas cookie

good tidings

of comfort...




and joy...


joy...


JOY!!!

beautiful brown's beautiful boyfriend

moosey brown needs a friend.
a boyfriend, to be precise.

a beautiful boyfriend.

one that doesn't bark too much
only slightly
(only slightly)
more than she does,
to alert us of things
not worth mentioning.

this boyfriend doesn't shed,
is very good with children,
respects our house rules,
is fun to be with,
and does some crowdpleasing tricks
once in a while.

this beautiful boyfriend
makes our beautiful brown
very very
very very
happy.

he makes us happy too,
of course.
he comes when we call
and is civilized
on a leash.

he eats anything,
especially bread
and everything else
that moosey can't stand.

he knows where
and when
to poo
and pee.

his gratitude
for everyday things
fills the house
with joy.

he's gentle, loving, smart,
and just intimidating enough
to scare someone
if he has to.

he's already been fixed
to save us
from going through that.

he's a polite
kind of dog
who models good things
for moosey brown.

he's in great health,
has a shiny soft coat
and smells pretty good
for a dog.

when we meet him we know
he is meant to be with us.

the most important part of all
that i cannot emphasize enough
is that this beautiful boyfriend
loves moosey
with all his heart.

she loves him
equally so,
though sometimes she pretends
he loves her more.

they romp around
in the fenced yard
and curl up with each other
at night
in a brand new bed
built for two.

they know how to fight,
but rarely do.

content and happy,
they live each day
like it was their last
until the day that it's true...
at least for one.

just as gently and peacefully,
the other shortly follows.

and then ...

they do it all over again.

Heavenly Father,

We trust you.
We are grateful for you.
We celebrate you.
We love you.

In the name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.

the wire monkey

this is a short story of mine that i dug up after covering the topic of eating disorders in my abnormal psychology class. it was written a little over a year ago.

even though it's a very personal story, i'm sharing it because it might help other people to hear my own struggle with weight and body image issues. since writing this story i've lost over 70 pounds -- without actually being on a "diet". i've given up dieting for good. balancing my life has been the best remedy for just about everything that ails me.

i hope you enjoy the story....

my post-baby body transformation is a slow moving one. i still feel like hell when i look in the mirror. i still need the miraculous shift in perception, so i'm praying for it.
"Lord, thank you for helping me see my body through your eyes. thank you for helping me accept my body the way it is. thank you for helping me have confidence even though i know i'm not looking my best. thank you for transforming my mind about my body." (i've been learning to speak it like it's already happened as a measure of faith.)
like i've said before, some miracles take time. and this problem of mine isn't really a "post-baby" one. it's more of a longstanding one... my body image issues have been a source of anxiety, inhibition, and frustration for me as far back as i can recall.

i was the girl who was told she's beautiful, who was always fairly thin, but who pretty much always felt ugly and deformed. that's partly why i wasn't exactly what you'd call "hard to get" in high school... for some reason i interpreted the attention toward me as proof that i must not be that ugly. "i must be kind of beautiful if they want to be with me, right?" wrong. i learned later that most teenage boys' criteria is not usually too high. so in the end, that false confirmation of beauty made me feel even more ugly than i did in the first place.

i've pretty much always felt this way. about three years back i reached a turning point, though, where i actually was feeling much more confident and not nearly as self conscious as i used to feel. i didn't mind my body, and i had learned to accept my other various quirky imperfect features. of course, i was very thin, as i've been most of my life. almost gangly actually.

i had no idea at the time how much confidence i was gaining from being thin.

these days you'd be hard pressed to find any "gangly" part of me. i started getting pudgy after i kicked the cig. i didn't start snacking instead of smoking like you may think (actually i used puppetry to keep my hands busy, and punched a pillow when cravings attacked). but still, i got pretty fat. and then i got pregnant... and then i got huge.

i finally gave birth, but instead of shrinking back down, that belly stayed big and blubbery. it's been more than 6 months, and despite my walks and crunches and stuff, i'm still huge. i've been working at it, i've been praying, and i've been sure that the light is just around the corner.
one day, after accumulating a load of toxic emotional angst from a weekend at my mom's "wall to wall mirror" house, i was rocking my baby girl to sleep, and i looked down to see her belly on my belly. her cheek was comfortably cushioned on one of my new bouncy 38-D's. her long arms were wrapped around me. her fingers clutched my lovehandles . we kept rocking, and i thought,"she looks so much like a little happy comfy peaceful baby monkey. thank you God for this sweet little monkey."

then i remembered harry harlow and his baby monkey research. harlow took these teeny newborn monkeys (yes, it would be unethical these days) and put them with two inanimate surrogate "mothers." one "mother" was made of wood, with a soft cushy bit of terrycloth around it's body, and the other "mother" was made of hard cold wire. harlow learned that the babies spent more time hugging and clutching onto the soft terrycloth monkey, even when the wire one was the only source of food.

so with this new girth, i guess i'm more like one of those soft terry cloth monkeys. and i should be glad about that. i wouldn't want to be a cold bony wirey monkey (not that there aren't awesome thin mom's out there, but come on, give me something here...)
...so i get it. i'm cuddly and cushiony and huggable, and that's a great way for a mom to be. that's an empowering new perspective ....a real miracle in the making.

now when i start to fret about my body, i think about that wire monkey, and i am at peace again.

ok, not totally, but it's a start.

(thank you Lord)

master teacher

love

the fall

leaves burn bright
and swirl in the wind.
there's nothing
more beautiful
than the fall.

welcome home

while you were gone i had a dream where i was inside a building at a big reception. there was lots of noise and lots of people. it was stressful. every time i got tired i'd head outside to a big beautiful wraparound deck where you were standing with a row of guys talking and laughing. i'd slide up and join you without interrupting your flow. then i'd wrap my arms around your slender waist, tuck my head into your chest, and just hug you. you hugged me back, and i'd just sit there and rest for a little while, recharging. you kept talking and laughing. i had one ear pressed against your chest so i could feel your heart beat and your voice echo and vibrate inside of you. you were so relaxed. you had such a calming, grounding effect on me. it was great.

since then i imagine that embrace every time i get really stressed.

the amazing technicolor dream quilt

If people don't want to feel as if one religion is dominating in public places, then why not encourage more religious/spiritual/moral expression in public places? Why not help the underrepresented perspectives be shown and seen too, instead of removing what is now there?

If we have the ten commandments, why not have Ghandi's 7 blunders? Or a phrase or two from the Dalai Lama? Or a big OM statue? Or Ben Franklin's 13 Virtues?

What are we so afraid of?

I envision a courthouse with all the major religions represented by beautiful works of art. I see a school classroom where a space of quiet meditation in the beginning of the day is the norm. I envision people discussing loving things that Gandhi and Buddha and Jesus said, freely and openly, without ridicule or judgment from one another.

And with no one being sued.

Let's flood our public centers with images and ideas of goodness and wisdom from all corners of the universe. Let our public officials be inspired by expressions of truth, beauty, and moral consciousness all day long. Let America be rich with cultural and spiritual expression, not barren. Let it be a quilt of many colors, not just one. Or worse... none

pride threw the first punch

There is truth in everything.
Our unwillingness to see that is an issue of pride.

we want to be right
more than we want peace.

(photo: "white picket fence" by ken)

fruitproof

"the fruit inspector...

9 fruits of the spirit:
love

joy

peace

patience

kindness

goodness

trustfulness

gentleness

self-control

(Ga 5:22-23)

... and the treekeeper"

the proof's in the fruit

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians%205:22-23;&version=65;

(photos by ken)

ben franklin's 13 virtues

1.TEMPERANCE.
Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2. SILENCE.
Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

3. ORDER.
Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

4. RESOLUTION.
Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

5. FRUGALITY.
Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

6. INDUSTRY.
Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. SINCERITY.
Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

8. JUSTICE.
Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

9. MODERATION.
Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

10.CLEANLINESS.
Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.

11.TRANQUILLITY.
Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

12. CHASTITY.
Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.

13. HUMILITY.
Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

"Around 1730, while in his late 20s, Benjamin Franklin listed thirteen virtues that he felt were an important guide for living. Ben Franklin tried to lead his life, following these virtues. He placed each one of the virtues on a separate page in a small book that he kept with him for most of his life. He would evaluate his performance with regard to each of them on a daily basis. He would also select one of the virtues to focus on for full week. Franklin often emphasized these virtues in his Poor Richard's Almanack. Later, in a letter to his son William, he gave the list of virtues, recommending that William follow them too.

Although Franklin tried to follow them himself, he sometimes went astray from his good intentions. For example, in his Almanack, Poor Richard (Franklin) gave the advice: 'Be temperate in wine, in eating, girls, and cloth, or the Gout will seize you and plague you both.' Meanwhile, Franklin was known to relished his food, womanize and sometimes dress to impress people. His food and wine-drinking habits led him to be plagued with the gout for much of his life. But still, the positive intentions were there." -Ron Kurtus

Historical notes from: http://www.school-for-champions.com/character/franklin_virtues.htm)

The image of Franklin is borrowed from the American Philosophical Society, which Franklin founded in 1743.