reconciled

(a poem for mary,
with Love)

with grace
and faith
and patience,
am i
becomes
I AM
and
we're no longer
concerned
or
surprised
by
others'
view
of
us.

then one day
through Love
and humility
we see
that "those others"
are really "our selves"

so we embrace
and are embraced

we judge
and are judged

we attack
and are attacked

we forgive
and are forgiven

we Love
and are Loved

and all parts
of our selves
are eventually

reconciled.




photos chosen especially for shuggie, artists unknown.
- lone horse found here
- mommy & baby snuzzling found here

rose colored glass

rose came by for lunch today,
and brought us some beautiful gifts...


thanks rose!

www.rosebowen.com

toltec wisdom

The Four Agreements

1. Be Impeccable with your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Author: Miguel Ruiz

glo-stick

sometimes when it's been a few days i forget how good stretching feels. i don't mean ordinary in-your-seat kind of stretching. or like the stretch that accompanies a big yawn. i mean down on the floor yoga-ish kind of stretching.

one thing i love to do is to stand up and tilt my head all the way back. then i let it hang there and breathe and let gravity pull on me. i stay there longer than i would if i were to heed the first thought of coming back up, which usually translates to about 30 seconds or so. when i come back up i get a huge head rush that fills my body with energy. sometimes it's so powerful it knocks me down (i've learned to do it near a chair so i can hang on) the feeling of it reminds me of one of those glo-sticks that fills with light when you crack it.

i'll never forget the first time i saw a glo-stick. i was just a kid, and it was a brand new invention being featured at a patent show (one of the perks of having a dad who works for the patent office) . at the time, they just came in green. my dad got us a couple samples to take home that day. we thought they were so cool.

i can't remember what happened to mine. i probably kept it in it's package. maybe forever. i did things like that...wanting to save stuff for a special occasion. (what i didn't know is that special occasions don't just show up... we have to create them.)

sometimes i'll go a while without stretching, like my tension is somehow serving me. then i remember the glo-stick, and i stop what i'm doing to stretch a bit. there's nothing quite like that feeling of being all lit up inside.

moonwalk

move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well



(even when it's cold outside)

flowers

If you do lack in wealth be not grieved. You have with you the wealth of contentment. You can remove every shortcoming of yours with this wealth. The discontented heart knows no peace. Every gain, no matter how big, is too small for it. From the empty branch to the leaves, from the leaves to the flowers, from the flowers to the fruits--all these are different stages of ambition.

The branch that has flowers but no fruits is discontented, but when it is reminded that there are other branches that have not even flowers, its discontentment is abated.

Yet, if it be content with what it has and wait, surely the coming of fruits is not far off.

Gulam Rue Zamin (Servant of the Earth)
"The First Rays of Dawn" Daily Devotional
January 20th, p. 8
Published by Priya Nath Metha; 1973

photo: "laura flowers" by laura
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blast/showcase/art/photos/578/

snowflakes

shuggie loves snowflakes...

tea party

we've had a bad cold now for a while. we've been up to our ankles around here in kleenex. we passed the time watching movies, playing games and having tea parties. it's the best fun we've ever had with a few clumps of dried up play-doh.

spinning

shuggie loves to spin. it's a natural high.

this is some footage we came across while cleaning up our hard drive. it's about a year old...

the crown

pulling into the driveway of her grandparents house, shuggie spots poppy in the yard waving at her. this is her response.

poppy is one of shuggie's three grandfathers. he is a brilliant, accomplished, and dignified man. i'd never seen him so fun and playful until shug came along. it's funny how little ones do that to us. it's wonderful actually.

"children's children are the crown of old men, and the glory of children are their fathers." ~ proverbs 17:6

my pyramid

my little (almost 3 year old) girl walked in on me in the bathroom yesterday. she said "do you have a maxi pad mommy?" i said "yes babe. thanks." once i had her go into another bathroom to fetch one for me. she remembered what it was called. that made me smile.

then she said "mommy's having her pyramid." that made me laugh out loud.

i said "honey, go tell that to daddy." she did. i knew he'd laugh out loud, too. he did.

photo: by cjphoto on zooomr photo sharing

"the red pyramid of dahshur in egypt"

http://www.zooomr.com/photos/41599@Z01/2416770/

a new day

God Calling Journal: January 1
I stand between the years. The Light of My Presence is flung across the year to come - the radiance of the Sun of Righteousness. Backward, over the past year, is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.

Dwell not on the past - only on the present. Only use the past as the trees use My Sunlight to absorb it, to make from it in after days the warming fire-rays. So store only the blessings from Me, the Light of the World. Encourage yourselves by the thought of these.

Bury every fear of the future, of poverty for those dear to you, of suffering, of loss. Bury all thought of unkindness and bitterness, all your dislikes, your resentments, your sense of failure, your disappointment in others and in yourselves, your gloom, your despondency, and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward to a new and risen life.

Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in My Hands - in trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at a time.

Leave the rest with Me. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.

And for each day I shall supply the wisdom and the strength.

"God Calling Journal" recorded by Two Listeners,
Edited by A.J. Russell; Barbour Publishing Inc. (c.1996)

new year's eve

...we'll be ringing it in with a little magic milk ...

...and some words of Love from a dear soul...


"May this year
and the coming year
bring emancipation
from all sorrows,
and may thou live
in peace and happiness
forever." ~ Nath

Gulam Rue Zamin (Servant of the Earth)
"The First Rays of Dawn" December 31st, p.209
Published by Priya Nath Metha; 1973

remember you're dreaming

the video pasted in below is a note for shuggie in the future.

it's dedicated to my mom's side of the family. after years apart, we met up over the holidays. it was awesome.

we all talked about how much we miss the lake house that's featured in the video. it's where we used to spend a lot of time together. my grandaddy built it by hand, along with the stairway and the dock. when he died we scattered his ashes off that dock.

we couldn't afford to keep the house, so we sold it. we took the pictures of it when we visited recently for the first time in many years. as soon as i saw the house i burst into tears.

i want to send special thanks and love to grandaddy and grandma. we miss you guys. we'll see you in our dreams...

christmas moon

we hope everyone has a wonderful day.

a prayer for friends

Heavenly Father, thank you for helping my friends find the spiritual home you have prepared for them. thank you for helping them know which way to turn, and if, when, and where to move. thanks for reminding us that you will speak to us through our hearts, and convict us of our best course of action. thank you for guiding us one day at a time, one step at a time, and taking on all of our worries, cares, and concerns of earthly things. thank you for your great sacrifice of the Christ Jesus that we are preparing to celebrate. now that we have a child we understand how great a sacrifice it truly is. thank you for Loving us THAT MUCH. we owe you a huge debt of Love. we are grateful you've made it possible for us to give Love to one another in so many ways. thank you for helping us forgive everyone that hurt us, and for helping us forgive ourselves when we hurt other people. thank you for helping us be a beacon of your Light and Love wherever we go. thank you for the Joy of the Holy Spirit. thank you for helping us feel that Joy, regardless of our uncertainty of the future or our difficult circumstances. we trust you completely, and are so very grateful for you. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH. thank you for working wonders and miracles in the days and weeks to come. thank you for aligning our thoughts with yours, and our vision with your vision. you wow us with your mighty power every day, and we don't have the words to express our gratitude. thank you for hearing my prayer today. may this prayer increase in strength and power each time it's read. in Jesus' precious name, Amen.

picture credit: this lovely stained glass creation was not made by me, but i am sadly unable to give proper credit as it's just a picture i ran across one day and loved. if anyone knows please leave me a comment here.

makes me smile...

come, cuddle your head on my shoulder, dear,
your head like the golden-rod,
and we will go sailing away from here
to the beautiful land of nod

~ ella wheeler wilcox (1850-1919)

a fond farewell

i learned a couple weeks ago that my contract at school would not be renewed. they're getting rid of a bunch of adjuncts, and i've been there the least amount of time, so i'm pretty much out. it's no big surprise. adjunct work is temporary by nature. and it's good in many ways. i'm ready for a change.

i wrote a farewell note to my students on a course blog i created. i wanted them to know that they have touched my heart and changed my life for the better. i also wrote a list of some things i've learned since i've been there. i thought it would be nice to post it here for posterity...


- i love making people laugh, especially groggy eyed students in the morning

-i made some good friends that i love and trust

-people sometimes get confused between studying war and studying peace

- the faculty and the administration could work together better

-the town and the university could work together better

-some of us hold back our creative energies because we're scared

-there are many challenging professors and not as many caring ones

-it is extremely stressful not to be able to find parking before having to do any kind of public speaking

-it's very challenging to be a substitute teacher for any length of time

-it's tough to teach while people in class whisper to each other, and it takes effort and strength to stop it

-this job didn't pay nearly enough

-some of us could believe in our students more than we do

-there is racial tension that could use some attention

-i find topics like prejudice and racism very hard to teach, and have come home to shed tears over it many times

-there are many students and faculty who could use some love

-when people have problems they are afraid to seek help through formal channels

-lots of people trust me with their secrets

-i've gotten pretty good at public speaking

-i'm not very good at grading people (too many A's)

-i am good at telling stories

-i truly care about my students and my colleagues, and many of them seem to notice and appreciate it

-i have truly enjoyed teaching

-i love improv comedy, like asking people to write questions and then answering them on the spot

-sometimes when i'd tell a joke i'd hear crickets, but i always kept trying

-my husband is awesome - he always helped me when i needed it

-i needed a lot of help

-we all need help sometimes

-i have a big stack of anonymous mental health questions from the beginning of this semester that i intend to answer and put on a blog for everyone to see

-most students are challenged by and worried about the same kinds of things

-there's always at least one person in class that doesn't dig me or my teaching style

- i was always early for work

- even on the days i dreaded teaching, it went ok

-even though i had a whole bunch of students, i learned many of their names

- it feels good to call people by name

-i love making videos and sharing them with people

-a bunch of people at school seemed to enjoy our videos

-i'd rather stay at home with my girl when it snows then brave the roads

-i really miss my little girl when i work a lot

-i miss my mom too

-it was surreal coming to work after the incident at tech. i was glad i did, but i'm not sure i'm completely over it. i look around and pay attention more than i used to.

- i am much less self conscious about my appearance than i used to be (which makes public speaking much easier!)

-i enjoyed the identity of "college instructor", and am not sure what to call myself now

-i said a prayer for all of my students during my last minute in the classroom

-i cried on the way home that day

-i'm getting choked up typing this

-i'm not sure what's coming around the corner

-i have faith it will be something great.

she is the dreamer

she's imagination
(she had heaven)

through the light projected

he can see himself up close

would you love me anyway?

sometimes we play the "would you love me anyway" game.... it's a silly sort of game that consists of questions like ...

if you had to carry me around in a backpack all day, would you love me anyway? if my lips got blown off in a plane crash, would you love me anyway? if i suddenly turned into a squirrel, would you love me anyway?

(that last one came from a student of mine... turns out he'd be a talking squirrel, which makes a huge difference in the "would you stay with me anyway" version of the game.)

of course, this game usually arises from silliness and a touch of insecurity, but it challenges the importance of our appearance (the look of our "meat suit," as we say). it asks about a deeper kind of love. it also asks questions about beauty: what is it? how important is it? what does it look like? what does it feel like? where does it come from?

with this in mind, and in the silliest of moods, i took a potato and drew a face on it, pretended it was me, and asked "would you love me anyway?"




(i invite anyone who writes or makes videos or whatnot to send me some of your own "would you love me anyway" stories. i'd love to see what you come up with.)

the idea of beauty always reminds me of a young woman i saw on oprah once. she was what anyone would consider physically gorgeous, until her entire body was badly burned when a drunk driver hit her car. her little face looked like it had almost melted away, like the way one of those really fancy detailed candles look after they've been used a few times. there was something permanently damaged about her eyes, though now i can't recall all the specifics. she had lots of health problems as a result of the accident, as you can imagine. honestly, she almost didn't look like a person anymore. it was so so so sad.

if i were burned from head to toe in a terrible accident, would you love me anyway?

i can't seem to locate a picture or any info from that show at the moment... (if anyone has info on this please pass it along) but i do remember that she wore a big sweet looking hat. i remember being horrified at what happened to her, naturally, and thinking, wow, she was so beautiful. that's so sad! what an awful awful thing....

then she spoke. and giggled. and giggled some more. and smiled an electric smile.

everyone in the audience that day was deeply affected by this young woman. she talked about the ups and downs. her story made us weepy. but with a joke and a chuckle, she made us laugh and feel good again. by the end of the show we all boo-hoo'd while she embraced the person that made the terrible choice to get behind the wheel that night.

that person (the "drunk driver") ... my heart goes out to them as well. it must be a tremendously hard thing to live with, much less to talk about openly. for some reason i can't even remember if that person was a he or she. there's just a blank spot in my memory there. (maybe that's a blessing.... maybe it's a good thing to let people start over again. let it be a mystery...)

even though much of the details elude me now, i will always remember the feeling i got when i saw that young woman hug the person who did this horrible thing to her. i remember thinking, now THAT is beautiful. SHE is beautiful. now i get it.

if i had a few drinks and hit your car on the way home, causing you to be burned from head to toe, would you love me anyway?

... oh my.....


picture credit: michael osborne, designer of the 2002 Love stamps
you can read more about the love stamps here:
http://www.usps.com/news/2002/philatelic/sr02_055.htm

long winter's nap

“It is good to realize that if love and peace can prevail on earth, and if we can teach our children to honour nature's gifts, the joys and beauties of the outdoors will be here forever.” - jimmy carter

hugs & love

here's a video we just finished last night. it's got lots of hugs and lots of love it in. it's a bit of a tearjerker actually...

thanksgiving

here is a video we just finished called "big, brown, and beautiful."

things i can't photograph

a lovely woman named kim posted this picture on the comments section of my myspace page. i was immediately inspired to write about it...







yes
these are things
that mostly
i can't photograph

but it's all right
because
my broken heart
has healed

it breaks again
almost every day
over some thing
or other
and then heals again
completely

my love for some one
any one
every one
endures
because
love is eternal

my anger toward my mother
subsides
because i
forgive her
and
my
self

my tangled emotions
are captured in
poems that flow through me

the laughter
of my sister
is recorded
for posterity
and
a rainy day

my grandfather's
last breath
isn't as important
to me
as that last talk we had
before he left
or what he said
when he called me
in a dream
that time
my soul
lives and breathes
in every thing i create

including
my photographs

as for the sunshine....
it does feel good

inside-out

(this poem is a response to a beautiful and thought provoking quote from Martha Graham that I just read on rblog )

it's true
there's a pain
that the artist
feels

sometimes
it's like the pain
of childbirth

or a kidney stone
or some other
creation inside
wanting
out

on easier days
it's like a splinter
in your finger
or a knot
in a favorite necklace
with which
you struggle

only struggling
is not actually
a requirement
of the job

True Peace
is God's Peace

it is real

it comes
from the inside-out

and it's available
to everyone

including artists

even during childbirth

so please
don't believe
that fear
hatred
pride
confusion
dissatisfaction
unrest
disbelief
illness
and struggle
are part of your calling

we don't need
any of those things
to create miracles
move mountians
change lives
with artwork
poems
paintings
songs
and such

we just need God.

Photo: An artist's impression of Supernova 1986. The newly discovered nebula around the black hole or neutron star in the center is shown in blue,and is in the center of the expanding, fragmented shell of material thrown off in the supernova explosion, which is shown in red. CREDIT: Norbert Bartel and Michael F. Bietenholz,York University; Artist: G. Arguner

rock paper scissors

there's a creature in my heart
and it's name is Love

there's a creature in my mind
and it's name is fear

i invite Love
into my mind
and it's
Immediately
Victorious

like paper
conquers rock
conquers scissors
conquers paper

only nothing
conquers Love

Love Lives Forever
because
Love Conquers All

the rain

e pluribus unum

the other day i was teaching my "lifespan development" class about encoding. (encoding is our ability to make a mental representation of something. in other words, to see something in your mind). i wanted to illustrate the idea that the encoding process is usually not crystal clear for any of us, so i drew two circles on the board and had them tell me what was on the penny.

this is always a pretty fun exercise. i make lincoln look like a goof, and they usually get big chunks of it wrong, which is enlightening for them. when we got to the stage where we examined a real penny to see how (in)accurate we were, i read the phrase "e pluribus unum".

i asked them what it meant and they stared at me like deer in headlights. i waited. finally one guy in the front row said "the many are one?"

"yes, the many unite into one." then i said "what's the phrase? united we stand..."

"...divided we fall!" they all chimed in, in unison. they sounded very excited to know the answer this time, despite the inherently sad nature of it.

"are we united or divided?" i asked.

"divided!" they said, without hesitation, like an ocean wave washing over me.

divided. it's so obvious.

"what does that mean for us?" i wondered.

silence.

"it's not looking good, i guess." they shook their heads. nope. not looking good.

what does this mean i wonder? are we falling? can we stop it?

a dear man in india saw one of our videos and later sent us a book that his father wrote. it's a book of daily devotionals. here is the reading for today:

October 25

"Khuda" (God) is an Urdu word. When it is written, a dot is placed above. If the dot be placed below, then the word does not change much, but changes entirely in meaning. It becomes "Juda" i.e. separate.

"Khuda" is the word in which resides the Greatness of God and which manifests itself in all, containing in itself the Universe, and containing itself in itself. "Khuda" is He who is in Union with Himself. "Juda" is a word that signifies separation from everything, even from itself, for it is separation.

A single dot when placed differently can create such a wide difference. A change in the angle of vision creates a complete change in meaning.

Thou who hast with thee the Perfect, place not the dot at the bottom!

But place the dot of "Juda" on top and let it become "Khuda"!

Why go from love to hate?

Go towards love and union from hate and separation.

By Nath

Gulam Rue Zamin (Servant of the Earth)

excerpt from the book: "The First Rays of Dawn"

Published by Priya Nath Metha; 1973

Thanks Priya for passing this beautiful book along to us.

(cue song: people get ready... )

picture of the penny borrowed from this page; picture of the train that transported lincoln's body from washington to springfield borrowed from this page

love is good

love sits in the center, balanced perfectly between justice and mercy.

i want to be love. nothing else matters.

another day ...

to be with you, and i am grateful.

colour my world

my husband made me a very sweet mix for our 5th anniversary this summer. he called it "magnet and steel." he put a classic song by chicago on it.

as time goes by
i realize
just what you mean
to me...

colour my world
with hope
of loving you.

so sweet. and this picture he took... incredible. such healing beauty in the midst of a challenging week.

my husband is awesome.

sweet-weepy-pete

(warning: graphic images below)

to start class today i said "everyone please stand up." they promptly did so. then i asked them why they were standing. they (of course) responded "because you told us to." then i announced the topic for the day: CONFORMITY. after they took their seats i showed them horrifying pictures and told stories about the holocaust. and my lai. and jonestown.






i got choked up when i started talking about jonestown. i said "they killed the babies and children first." i could feel the end of the sentence get caught in my throat. my eyes instantly welled up. i thought "holy crap! i might start crying!" it's true that i can be a bit of a sweet-weepy-pete on occasion, but i've never cried in front of a class. so i stopped and took a breath. then i stood there silently while they looked at the image that was projected on a large screen ...



(it was the little baby wedged in there that got to me the most)

i knew when i prepared this lecture last night that the loving thing to do would be to send a clear message about what happens when we blindly follow authority. it happens to regular people. not madmen. or trolls. or psycho-killers. regular people will hurt, maim, and destroy others and even themselves when placed under extreme social pressure. i felt a duty to teach, and a duty to warn. so i did.

but man... those images do linger.... no wonder i have a headache.

beautiful changes

"Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower."
-Albert Camus

piece of cake

yesterday when i started to toil over what to do about the situation in my class i heard in my heart "prepare, but don't worry. everything will be fine. it's a piece of cake." wow. it's a piece of cake. "don't ruin your day by being nervous about it. just relax."

i succeeded in not complaining about it too much. ken cooked me some dinner and pampered me. that really helped. i read from my favorite devotionals. that relaxed me. then had a nice chat with my brother about it. he had a calming effect on me.

despite some occasional melodramatics, i have to say i managed pretty well. even up to the point just before class when i met with my boss and explained to her what was going on. i felt like i needed to plant a seed just in case... in case what? well who knows. i won't speculate.

so i got to class a few minutes early and put on some calm music. when class started, i joked about the chilly weather. it's the first day we've felt it. it's been suspiciously warm around here for october. anyway, i told them how shuggie was chilly last night so she climbed into bed and wrapped herself around my neck, practically strangling me. when i told her to move over she said in the sweetest little voice "i love you." of course then i let her keep strangling me for a few more minutes. even in the middle of the night that little voice melts my heart.

when i finished that story they all said "awww!" i knew it softened the ground a bit. then i handed out a slightly aged but credible article from the united nations website on the problem in ghana. i told them they were responsible for reading it, and that i would be putting a question on the exam about it. then i addressed the giggling.

i felt a bit of a whirlwind inside, but i somehow managed to cover lots of ground, succinctly and coherently. (white privilege... prejudice... ignorance... ) it all just flowed right out. none of them had taken a diversity class before. but they came up with a half dozen reasons why people laugh at other people's suffering. (to be cool. because they're afraid. immature. irresponsible. ignorant.) i added sadistic to their list. (some people just are, sadly).

then i shifted gears and covered jean piaget. it was a vibrant and colorful lecture, with props and everything. a little more than halfway through class we got sidetracked somehow on exotic pets. actually i let us get sidetracked. i wanted us to have a little fun. so we swapped stories of pet raccoons and chinchillas and flying squirrels and baby deer. i told my hermit crab story.* i imitated a mad goose. we all laughed.

then i wrangled us back in and finished up the notes. after class the gal who was mad a me on tuesday came up with her friend and thanked me. "we really appreciate what you did. you didn't have to do that."

"yes i did," i replied. " when i see an opportunity like that i have to take it. i feel a moral obligation."

it's true. i do. and i did. and now i'm ready to play.

thank you Lord.

*(i had a hermit crab named hamlet. he ran away. i found him shell-less on the downstairs bathroom floor 5 years later. it was incredible that he survived. i grabbed him and put him up in a makeshift home, but he died the next day. i should have just let him be i guess. maybe captivity was more than he could bear).

picture of the 100 layer cake borrowed from: http://www.afamilyfare.com/bridal.htm

we're all equal in heaven

there's a lot of racial tension at school. i'm not sure when anyone's going to address it. if we don't address it, it will eventually address us.

white privilege = when you're white you don't have to think too much about skin color. it's not always on your mind.

the truth is that lighter skinned people have more power in the world. still. that's the reality.

(unlike in heaven where we are all equal)

when we don't recognize our power, we hurt people by accident.

some of my students told me that there was laughter within groups of people that went to see the campus presentation called the "tunnel of oppression". there were horrific images in that presentation. images of abuse and starvation and horrible disease. sickening images. to me it's more sickening that people would laugh at them.

do they laugh because they're afraid? or maybe ignorant? obnoxious? cruel? cold hearted? ...?

i've been a substitute instructor for a week now in two classes. i'm covering for a woman who is on maternity leave. the morning class is a breeze, but the afternoon one is really pretty rowdy and challenging to manage. there are 72 students in it, and it's a pretty small room considering it's seating capacity.

it baffled me yesterday when a few of the students in the afternoon class giggled away while i was talking about little kid slaves in africa. (in ghana specifically. they're are sold to fisherman by their parents. they have to get up before dawn every day to cast nets into murky water, and then endanger their lives retrieving the nets when they get caught on debris. it's very very sad.)

these giggling students (white students incidently) just giggled away. i had no idea what they were laughing about. they carried on so much that i thought maybe my fly was down. i nervously giggled along with them for a minute. "what? what's so funny?" it didn't occur to me that anyone would find the little kid slave story humorous. but then i realized that they were indeed laughing about that, and i said "this is serious! it's not funny! what's funny about that?" no answer, just more semi-stifled giggling. "is it just the extreme nature of it, or what?" still nothing. "really, seriously, it's a HORRIBLE thing." i felt the tension mounting. i felt claustrophobic. i didn't trust my hormonal self. i felt ill... quakey... i promptly moved on.

an african american student came up after class to tell me that she was very disappointed that i was laughing about it with them. i did my best to defend myself. i was as flabbergasted about it as anyone, and even more so that she thought i thought it was funny. i finally said, with my voice giving way to tears, "i'm doing the best i can here." she made a b-line for the door at that point, (thank God) at which time i sank behind the computer station and cried for a few seconds. then i pulled myself together and called ken. (we only have one car so he has to pick me up). i was so incredibly relieved to learn that he was just outside the door. (thank God again)

i climbed in the back seat next to the shuggie and started telling the story. ken drove us home while i cried and carried on about it. shuggie held my hand and said "mommy's very sad. mommy's crying. don't cry mommy. it's ok. i'm here mommy." that was so sweet that it made me cry more. when we got home, i had a nice long cry. ken rubbed my shoulders and shug rubbed my arm. such loving support.

now i'm trying to decide what to do and say on thursday.

sempiternus amor

it's been a busy week. sometimes when i'm all worn out, i like to sit in my office and stare at pictures of the people i love. these are two of my very favorite people. i could get lost in their smiling faces forever.