come out of hiding

i recently changed my icon on myspace and youtube to this picture of me with my little family. this was kind of big for me, as i have a history of hating pictures of myself. most of the time i would try to avoid them all together, but with the digital revolution, i now see a zillion pics of myself on my computer. in the past, i would scrutinize them, sometimes delete them, or keep them but never share them with anyone. they'd pop up on my slideshow, and i'd cringe and look away. for some reason, i just never quite looked the way i wanted to.

i've been working on this problem for as long as i can recall. i have a master's in psychology, and my interest in this field has been, in part, to free myself from issues like this. but psychology can only take you so far. for this deep, longstanding issue i've needed the same kind of help that enabled me to quit smoking cigs.... the supernatural help that only God can offer. like the "good book" says, through Christ, all things are possible. so i've been trying the same thing that worked before... i've been handing it over to God through Christ.

the problem really came to a head when i had my baby (almost three years ago now). my post-pregnancy body is much curvier and larger than it was before (even my feet are bigger). it's been a real challenge. i've been praying about it, sometimes very intensely, mostly because i don't want to hand this self-consciousness down to my little girl. each time it crops up again (that cringing feeling) i hand it over to God and thank him for healing me. slowly, quietly, patiently, God is working inside of me, and has been changing my mind about it. he is helping me see myself in a new light: one that more resembles the loving way that he sees me. (one kind of miracle is a "shift in perception", as marianne williamson says)

this issue came up again over the weekend. i had to wade through a bunch of video footage, and i'm in a good bit of it. i've had to make some decisions as to what parts to include in the videos. yesterday, as i watched my excited little girl and myself gallop like "little horsey and mommy horsey" toward one of those big moon bouncers, i felt that cringe again, and i had the urge to delete it. just then, a clear, resounding thought filled my eyes with tears:

"come out of hiding"

so, today, i am completing that video, and including that footage of us galloping along as a leap of faith. i am making a conscious decision to let go and stop worrying about how i look. i've also decided to stop being concerned with other people's judgements of me. i will no longer fear ridicule and criticism. i have decided that other people's opinions of me and my appearance, in the grand scheme of things, are totally irrelevant.

i choose to be free. i am what i am, and i look how i look. some days i look better than others. and, as morrissey sings, "some girl's mothers are bigger than other girl's mothers". and that's just fine.

i'm already starting to get used to seeing myself. i'm already feeling better about it. it's a real relief. i'll be including more and more footage of myself in our videos, so one day my little girl can watch them and see me there too, not just hear my voice or catch a glimpse of my sneakers. i'm sure she'll want to see me there laughing and playing with her. the sight of a mommy having fun with her little girl is one of beauty, no matter how you dice it. i want her to look at these videos and see a woman - her mother - who, no matter how she looks on the outside, feels comfortable in her own skin. to me, that's what makes a confident, courageous, beautiful woman.

besides, my girl doesn't seem to mind at all that i'm not some glamour queen. she loves me just as i am. (although sometimes she says "mommy, take those glasses off! i want those eyes to be free!" maybe i'll stop hiding behind those one day too.)

so.... i'm just fine, as i am. i don't need to be perfect to be beautiful in my own way. and i'll keep reading these words as long as i need to for them to really truly sink in.

i'm a bit thick headed. it may take a while... ;)

we are builders

(y)our words
hold a mighty power
to build up
and to tear down

maturation
of the spirit
gives the strength
to control the impulse
to destroy

so the gifts
of words
and wit
and wisdom
and where-with-all

aren't used

in a harmful way.

we can give
kindness
love
forgiveness
gratitude
praise
hope
empathy
caring
understanding

with our words

on
purpose.

(thank you God.)

photo: "road to heaven" by john watson

toltec wisdom

The Four Agreements

1. Be Impeccable with your Word Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Author: Miguel Ruiz

moonwalk

move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well
move more
eat well



(even when it's cold outside)

a new day

God Calling Journal: January 1
I stand between the years. The Light of My Presence is flung across the year to come - the radiance of the Sun of Righteousness. Backward, over the past year, is My Shadow thrown, hiding trouble and sorrow and disappointment.

Dwell not on the past - only on the present. Only use the past as the trees use My Sunlight to absorb it, to make from it in after days the warming fire-rays. So store only the blessings from Me, the Light of the World. Encourage yourselves by the thought of these.

Bury every fear of the future, of poverty for those dear to you, of suffering, of loss. Bury all thought of unkindness and bitterness, all your dislikes, your resentments, your sense of failure, your disappointment in others and in yourselves, your gloom, your despondency, and let us leave them all, buried, and go forward to a new and risen life.

Remember that you must not see as the world sees. I hold the year in My Hands - in trust for you. But I shall guide you one day at a time.

Leave the rest with Me. You must not anticipate the gift by fears or thoughts of the days ahead.

And for each day I shall supply the wisdom and the strength.

"God Calling Journal" recorded by Two Listeners,
Edited by A.J. Russell; Barbour Publishing Inc. (c.1996)

a prayer for friends

Heavenly Father, thank you for helping my friends find the spiritual home you have prepared for them. thank you for helping them know which way to turn, and if, when, and where to move. thanks for reminding us that you will speak to us through our hearts, and convict us of our best course of action. thank you for guiding us one day at a time, one step at a time, and taking on all of our worries, cares, and concerns of earthly things. thank you for your great sacrifice of the Christ Jesus that we are preparing to celebrate. now that we have a child we understand how great a sacrifice it truly is. thank you for Loving us THAT MUCH. we owe you a huge debt of Love. we are grateful you've made it possible for us to give Love to one another in so many ways. thank you for helping us forgive everyone that hurt us, and for helping us forgive ourselves when we hurt other people. thank you for helping us be a beacon of your Light and Love wherever we go. thank you for the Joy of the Holy Spirit. thank you for helping us feel that Joy, regardless of our uncertainty of the future or our difficult circumstances. we trust you completely, and are so very grateful for you. WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH. thank you for working wonders and miracles in the days and weeks to come. thank you for aligning our thoughts with yours, and our vision with your vision. you wow us with your mighty power every day, and we don't have the words to express our gratitude. thank you for hearing my prayer today. may this prayer increase in strength and power each time it's read. in Jesus' precious name, Amen.

picture credit: this lovely stained glass creation was not made by me, but i am sadly unable to give proper credit as it's just a picture i ran across one day and loved. if anyone knows please leave me a comment here.

hugs & love

here's a video we just finished last night. it's got lots of hugs and lots of love it in. it's a bit of a tearjerker actually...

inside-out

(this poem is a response to a beautiful and thought provoking quote from Martha Graham that I just read on rblog )

it's true
there's a pain
that the artist
feels

sometimes
it's like the pain
of childbirth

or a kidney stone
or some other
creation inside
wanting
out

on easier days
it's like a splinter
in your finger
or a knot
in a favorite necklace
with which
you struggle

only struggling
is not actually
a requirement
of the job

True Peace
is God's Peace

it is real

it comes
from the inside-out

and it's available
to everyone

including artists

even during childbirth

so please
don't believe
that fear
hatred
pride
confusion
dissatisfaction
unrest
disbelief
illness
and struggle
are part of your calling

we don't need
any of those things
to create miracles
move mountians
change lives
with artwork
poems
paintings
songs
and such

we just need God.

Photo: An artist's impression of Supernova 1986. The newly discovered nebula around the black hole or neutron star in the center is shown in blue,and is in the center of the expanding, fragmented shell of material thrown off in the supernova explosion, which is shown in red. CREDIT: Norbert Bartel and Michael F. Bietenholz,York University; Artist: G. Arguner

rock paper scissors

there's a creature in my heart
and it's name is Love

there's a creature in my mind
and it's name is fear

i invite Love
into my mind
and it's
Immediately
Victorious

like paper
conquers rock
conquers scissors
conquers paper

only nothing
conquers Love

Love Lives Forever
because
Love Conquers All

e pluribus unum

the other day i was teaching my "lifespan development" class about encoding. (encoding is our ability to make a mental representation of something. in other words, to see something in your mind). i wanted to illustrate the idea that the encoding process is usually not crystal clear for any of us, so i drew two circles on the board and had them tell me what was on the penny.

this is always a pretty fun exercise. i make lincoln look like a goof, and they usually get big chunks of it wrong, which is enlightening for them. when we got to the stage where we examined a real penny to see how (in)accurate we were, i read the phrase "e pluribus unum".

i asked them what it meant and they stared at me like deer in headlights. i waited. finally one guy in the front row said "the many are one?"

"yes, the many unite into one." then i said "what's the phrase? united we stand..."

"...divided we fall!" they all chimed in, in unison. they sounded very excited to know the answer this time, despite the inherently sad nature of it.

"are we united or divided?" i asked.

"divided!" they said, without hesitation, like an ocean wave washing over me.

divided. it's so obvious.

"what does that mean for us?" i wondered.

silence.

"it's not looking good, i guess." they shook their heads. nope. not looking good.

what does this mean i wonder? are we falling? can we stop it?

a dear man in india saw one of our videos and later sent us a book that his father wrote. it's a book of daily devotionals. here is the reading for today:

October 25

"Khuda" (God) is an Urdu word. When it is written, a dot is placed above. If the dot be placed below, then the word does not change much, but changes entirely in meaning. It becomes "Juda" i.e. separate.

"Khuda" is the word in which resides the Greatness of God and which manifests itself in all, containing in itself the Universe, and containing itself in itself. "Khuda" is He who is in Union with Himself. "Juda" is a word that signifies separation from everything, even from itself, for it is separation.

A single dot when placed differently can create such a wide difference. A change in the angle of vision creates a complete change in meaning.

Thou who hast with thee the Perfect, place not the dot at the bottom!

But place the dot of "Juda" on top and let it become "Khuda"!

Why go from love to hate?

Go towards love and union from hate and separation.

By Nath

Gulam Rue Zamin (Servant of the Earth)

excerpt from the book: "The First Rays of Dawn"

Published by Priya Nath Metha; 1973

Thanks Priya for passing this beautiful book along to us.

(cue song: people get ready... )

picture of the penny borrowed from this page; picture of the train that transported lincoln's body from washington to springfield borrowed from this page

another day ...

to be with you, and i am grateful.

colour my world

my husband made me a very sweet mix for our 5th anniversary this summer. he called it "magnet and steel." he put a classic song by chicago on it.

as time goes by
i realize
just what you mean
to me...

colour my world
with hope
of loving you.

so sweet. and this picture he took... incredible. such healing beauty in the midst of a challenging week.

my husband is awesome.

bête noire

in a last ditch effort to ruin my day, the devil sent a long legged spider my way...

it scurried across my face just when i was all relaxed and snuggled in bed. i went "AAAAH!" and swatted it from my cheek to the comforter. then ken grabbed it by one of it's legs, tore into the bathroom like his pants were on fire, and hurled it into the toilet. we laughed and shuddered and had the creepy crawlies for a minute or so. we said things like "can you believe that?! holy crap!!!" and then we felt kind of bad for killing it. it turned out to be just a daddy long legs, which are quite lovely, harmless creatures.* too bad it snuck up on me in the dark. anyway, aside from a few intrusive memories and itchy moments here and there, we were back to snuggling in no time.

i didn't used to personify the darkness, though i have been curious about the notion ever since i saw robert deniro star as the devil in the film "angel heart." i'll never forget the part where he peeled a hard boiled egg with those really nasty fingernails. i wonder what it does to a person to play a character like that.

one quote about the devil that always stuck with me is, "the greatest trick of the devil is to persuade you that he does not exist." my brother told me it was charles baudelaire who said that. i haven't read much french poetry to be honest.

anyway, after i wrote that little spider story i looked up "devil" at dictionary.com and learned some very interesting things.
http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/devil
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/devil

the last thing i read gave me chills...

"Talk of the Devil, and he's presently at your elbow" [1666]

picture "alice's devil" borrowed from tips to no devil : http://uk.geocities.com/willhelston/tips.html

*one of my students just told me that daddy long legs are actually the most venomous and fierce spiders of all, but that their fangs can only penetrate human skin between our toes and fingers. and if they bite you, you could die! yikes! ... from the research i've done online, it seems that may just be a legend stemming from the fact that daddy longlegs can kill a black widow.